Man forbidden from “all libraries on the face of the earth” for charming the python in the library.

Man forbidden from “all libraries on the face of the earth” for charming the python in the library.

VicesMarch 15, 2013

Beat your meat in the middle of a public library and you're bound to pay for it. Tyler S. Carter, 20, did exactly that when he stood up in a Racine library, pulled down his pants and began buffing the banana to a crowd of innocent readers.

Police arrived to find a subdued and relaxed Carter sitting at a table reading a book, no sign of him churning butter. Carter at first denied the claims but quickly admitted to playing the flute solo for the library crowd. He was taken into custody. 

In court, the judge set Carter's bail at $1,000. As a condition of Carter’s bond, he was told to “stay out of all the libraries on the face of the earth,” according to court records. If convicted of caressing his cucumber in public, Carter could face up to $11,000 in fines and one year imprisonment.

One last masturbation reference: No one, and we mean no one, ever stands and bops their baloney.