Man horrifically kidnaps several people solely so they can buy him 64 Red Bulls
A New Jersey man who went on a kidnapping spree and forced his terrified victims to buy him over $160 worth of Red Bull has been charged with robbery and kidnapping, say police.
“These were nice, compassionate people who were taken advantage of,” said Paramus Deputy Chief Robert M. Guidetti. “It’s such a horrible thing.”
Almost as horrible as having $160 worth of Red Bull and knowing now you have to drink it.
According to police, all this chaos started when Eddie J. Johnson, 27, approached a woman in the Bergen Town Center parking lot on Feb. 15 and asked her for money. When the woman said no, Johnson forced the woman to drive to a local gas station and ... buy him $70 worth of Red Bull.
That's all he wanted, just some putrid beverages. He didn't want to hold her for ransom or sell her to Croatian sex traffickers or anything like that ... just some energy drinks because hey, who doesn't get sleepy every now and then?
The littlest cans of Red Bull are usually about $2.50, so with his first human capture, he netted what, like ... 28 Red Bulls? Nice.
The woman escaped on foot after the purchase, but that amount of Red Bull was more of an appetizer portion than an entree for Johnson, who was just getting started.
Later on, he pulled the stunt on two other men, but this time brandishing a knife to make sure his captives knew he was serious about extending his Red Bull selection. Red Bull: It gives you wings.
One man was forced to cough up $30 for some Bull, while the other laid down $60. That's another 36-ish cans, rounding out his total to about 64 personal portions of the golden nectar. Both men escaped before Johnson was able to increase his stockpile further.
Look, man. Red Bull's not going out of style. There's no reason to amass an army of energy drinks when when every gas station, grocery store, and bodega is chock-full of them. Y2K is over. And you certainly don't have to kidnap people to buy them for you; it's not like you need a special tag on your license or a government-approved document granting you the right to buy a fucking Red Bull. It's pretty abundant and pretty cheap. Plus, we're fairly sure the only thing you can do with that amount of Red Bull is build a nuclear reactor, which begs the question: Who is this man working for? Iran? North Korea? SHOW YOURSELF.
Anyway, he was identified using the ol' surveillance video footage method (it works EVERY TIME), and apprehended on Sept. 11. AMERICA!
He's now in jail on $500,000 bail, which is the equivalent of about 200,000 Red Bulls.