Man on Jeffery Dahmer diet of raw meat inexplicably has a vegetarian girlfriend

Man on Jeffery Dahmer diet of raw meat inexplicably has a vegetarian girlfriend

CultureOctober 02, 2013

Every night, Derek Nance sinks his pearly whites into something cold and dead. He tears rotting flesh from what used to be someone's sheep and gnaws, oblivious to the pools of blood in his mouth that have started to overflow and dribble down his five o'clock shadow. His kitchen cabinets are empty and ominous. But the refrigerator in his basement overflows with a bounty of ruby red muscles and slimy white fascia that he'll consume over the next week. The man is on a Jeffery Dahmer diet of sorts.

Derek's fridge is full of flesh

What the shit...is that? “It’s a Shetland sheep, it’s got a very mild, sweet flavor. I crack open the skull and eat the brain. It’s kind of a delicacy so I’ll wait until the weekend to get into it," said Derek.

Yeppers, Derek eats nothing but raw meat. He even brushes his teeth with animal fat. And he has a vegetarian girlfriend, who he has yet to consume and reap the caloric benefits from. A vegetarian girlfriend, who forgoes meat for "compassionate reason," yet still presumably lets Derek fuck her goodnight after he's dismembered an animal or eaten its brains. True romance, that's what that is.

Derek's girlfriend Joanne is remarkably still alive, although she does look damn juicy

Derek's serial killer-esque eating habits all started after he contracted a mysterious illness that made him puke up everything he ate. He tried every diet under the sun; dairy-free, the Mediterranean diet, and even became a glu-tard. But nothing worked until someone suggested he try a carnivorous form of the Paleolithic diet. Not carnivorous as in "here's a nice medium-rare flatiron steak to go with your Bloomin' Onion at Outback Steakhouse," carnivorous as in "slaughter things with your bare hands and eat every part of them, raw." Can you feel the manliness? When Vice Magazine asked him whether he had any qualms about trying the ultimate man-diet, he said this:

Whoa. But raw meat isn't the only thing on the menu tonight. Rotten meat is also a favorite of Derek's, for its probiotic properties. Again, Joanne is this man's girlfriend. He has a girlfriend, people.

Chunks of rotten lamb meat that go in the same mouth that Derek kisses Joanne with

Okay, we know what you're thinking. Rotten meat is great for his GI tract, but how does he avoid scurvy?

Here's some organ meat and clotted blood he avoids scurvy with!

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. Okay, no, no this is a good thing that we saw this, because now we won't eat for a few days. Imagine the weight loss!

Vice was also interested in the dynamics of their psycho-carnivore/vegetarian relationship.

You know what else is a big difference between them? That Joanne's skull is going to make a nice bowl when he eats her brain, whereas Derek's skull will not be made into a nice bowl. But all jokes aside, that is pretty sweet that Derek not only has the healthiest colon in the country, but also the most understanding girlfriend everrrrr.

So there you have it. If you thought your relationship was weird, just be glad it's not with flesh-eating Derek or person-who-kisses-flesh-eating-Derek Joanne.