McDonald's adds kale to its menu hoping to convince people that it's anything but McDonald's

McDonald's adds kale to its menu hoping to convince people that it's anything but McDonald's

CultureMay 19, 2015

McDonald's might have served over 1 billion burgers but that number appears to be decreasing and shit is hitting the fan. Over the last six business quarters (that's 18 months for the art history major) McDonald's has seen a slow decrease in same store sales. Of course, when you're running over $2 billion in sales and the your next closest competitor is Burger King with only a hundred million or so in sales, life isn't too bad. Still, shareholders are antsy and everyone knows that the current marketing campaign of "We understand it's going to kill you, but damn it, it's delicious," isn't going to cut it. 

So that's why CEO Steve Easterbrook, the newest C suite officer to take over Ronald's playhouse, put together an 18-month strategy last year to convince the public that McDonald's is everything but, well, McDonald's.

The chain still has about a year to go in its plan, which will now be executed under the leadership of Steve Easterbrook, who became chief executive officer this month. It says the goal is to become a "modern, progressive burger company," although exactly what that means remains to be seen. Over the next year, it will be phasing out the use of certain antibiotics in the chicken it serves in the U.S. and developing new standards for the beef it buys.

As for the menu, McDonald's will be rolling out a custom burger program at 2,000 locations and at once simplifying and regionalizing its menus and advertising. Such new ways of ordering as kiosks, mobile apps, and even table service will be introduced.

Sadly, that plan hasn't progressed fast enough to increase sales and Mr. Easterbrook isn't liking how hot his seat has become. Now, McD's is wishing in one hand and shitting in the other to see which fills first by rolling out Kale. Yes, the ugly cousin of Broccoli. The over-hyped, possibly good-for-you piece of produce that used to line the salad bar at Pizza Hut is now making its way into the only place where oddly shaped chicken just felt right. 

The company will add Kale to its California and Canada menus in the coming weeks. In California, the leafy green vial weed will be placed in breakfast bowls. Because you know, McDonald's at 8 a.m. should be healthy. And in Canada, well, it's for the three varieties of salads that just scream fresh. But we all know Canadians love anything American no matter what it is.  

Seriously though McDonald's, you've missed the Kale bandwagon. Let's get on the quinoa burger or the black bean burger bandwagon and ride that health craze into the sunset. What about Yucca fries? Anyone down for Cauliflower rice? 

All of this is fine and dandy except one thing, they already ran an ad declaring they'd never serve Kale. [WATCH]

Not too long ago, McDonald's ran a commercial showing a close-up of a burger while the voiceover declared, "This is not Greek yogurt, nor will that ever be kale." The ad mocked those who enjoy a healthy lifestyle; such people were told to "avert their eyes" from the burger. "You can't get juiciness like this from soy or quinoa," the commercial continued.

Their anti-kale stance was surely an attempt to reinforce their fast food brand, holding tight to burgers, buns and cheese while many restaurant chains gravitated towards the healthy-eating lifestyle.

And that good friends is why the internet is a beautifully deceitful dark hole of no return that houses every last possible bit of damning information. Sorry Ronald, not even the sexified hamburglar will save you now.