NASA will make it rain on you if you promise not to move for 70 days

NASA will make it rain on you if you promise not to move for 70 days

VicesSeptember 20, 2013

The following is a fake "now hiring" ad from NASA, for a very real event: paying people to lie in bed and do nothing but hang out for 70 days.

NASA is hiring! Are you a highly unmotivated person who still lives in their parent's basement? Do you like to play video games and not talk to people? Do you like to watch porn and read? Then we want YOU to join our team.

The project:

We're testing the effects of microgravity!  We want to see how badly it ruins your body during long-duration space flight. Know what happens during long-duration space flight? Nothing! You just lie there. For months! That can't be good for you, right? So, we're going to use you to see what happens. That way, you could really benefit our astronauts, who are much more important than you.

The position:

Horizontal, ha ha! We're seeking qualified individuals with an interest in laying around all day...for 70 days. Basically, you can do whatever you want. Except move, of course!. Want to poop? Go ahead. Just don't get up. Want to watch porn? Fine with us, but just don't wiggle around too much. You just stay in bed, you big NASA helper, you. You can even work from the bed if your job will allow it, and we'll supply all the video games and reruns of Friends you'd ever want. You will experience excruciating muscle atrophy and bone density loss, as well as bedsores, but did we mention we shoot giant rockets into fucking space?

Requirements:

You must be in peak physical condition, like astronauts are. No fatties. Also, did we mention you can't get up for 70 days? You have to be cool with that.

Compensation:

$18,000. Plus we'll feed you astronaut mush

Please send your resume to thetrash@wedon'tcareaboutyourresume.com. You don't need a resume for this position, just an overwhelming desire to sacrifice your body for the good of science. Good luck!