Yes, the nation's Satanic groups have Christmas plans ...
Satanists are making Christmas plans.
They're putting up Christmas trees — and topping them with goat heads. Satanists are wearing awkward Christmas sweaters with Santa and pentagrams. In Florida, next to a public Christmas scene, a school teacher plans a Satanic display that calls on children to "Hail Satan." In Dallas, The Satanic Temple is sends out invitations to its winter gathering with both holly and a goat head. In Detroit, they plan to erect a "Snaketivity" display, a personal rendition of what many other cities call a nativity scene. In Colorado, they plan a shot luge shaped like Baphomet, a goat god. (Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell.)
Fox News and other Christian news outlets have for years been complaining that there has been a "War on Christmas" because people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" — and let's not forget the calamity when Starbucks took the word "Christmas" off its coffee cups.
Wait until they get a load of all this.
"We are fighting the War on Christmas to win," said Ada King, spokesperson for The Satanic Temple of Colorado.
To understand all this, know that there are two basic types of Satanists:
People who believe in a real demon named Satan who actually exists, love suffering, and believe selfishness is the highest good.
People who see Satan not as a real entity but as a symbol — or a role model — for rebellion against Christianity, a religion they think is boring and stupid.
They're all mostly atheists — hilarious ones.
The second kind of Satanist finds their home in The Satanic Temple, where membership is soaring. They protest anti-abortion protests. They put devil statues in statehouses next to the Ten Commandments. They drape their nutsacks on the grave of a Westboro Baptist Church founder. They smoke joints rolled with bible pages.
So now that Christmas is at our throats again, The Satanic Temple is finding ways to piss off Christians. It's working. The Christian world is so angry they could crucify somebody.
"What they are doing is blasphemy," said Christopher Bodman, a devout Christian and certified nurse's assistant in San Bernardino, California. "The Satanic Temple and all the Satanic churches are hell on Earth. All good people and Christians should strongly oppose them to the fullest."
At least one hater has taken action. In San Jose, The Satanic Temple got permission from the city to join in Christmas in the Park, an event where religious organizations put up nativities, Frosty the Snowmen and animatronic Santa Clauses. The Satanic Temple put up a tree with a goat's head on top. It was tasteful: no blood, no skeletons. "No blood or weird shit; it was a family event," said Jeddah Schadenfreude, head of The Satanic Temple's San Jose chapter. "We were on cloud nine for two days." (Note: Satanic Temple members use fake names, worried about retaliation.)
Then, the goat head got stolen. And that made the Satanists sad. And the San Jose police haven't found the culprit.
Undeterred — and actually probably spurred on — by the thievery, more people than ever are noting that Santa is Satan misspelled, and switching up their holiday flow to include the Dark Lord, a god who parties like a god should (even if he probably doesn't exist).