New App Tells You How Good at Bumpin' Uglies You Are

New App Tells You How Good at Bumpin' Uglies You Are

SexAugust 15, 2013

For just $2.99 on the iPhone App store, you can find out how good the sex you just had was.

According to 'Spreadsheets', the new app that tracks your sexual performance, sex is good when your screams reach the same roaring decibel level as a jet engine, and you're thrusting like a jackhammer on crack.

Using an accelerometer and built in microphone, the iPhone app measures how long sex lasts, the speed and frequency of a couple's sexual rhythm, and the amount of noise emitted during sex. It can also keep track of how many times a week you fuck, thrusts per minute, and has a point system where you can award yourself a certain number of points if you have sex say, in the morning, or on a Sunday afternoon. The app then analyzes these data points and presents them in to you statistically,  in a visually pleasing manner. Look:

Oh, yay! Because now after you've screeched at the top of your lungs for 45 minutes and pounded your partner into oblivion in an effort to be “good in bed”, you can reach for your phone and affirm that sex you just had was satisfactory, despite your partner's annoying insistence that, no, it wasn't. Since when does thrust number and loudness of moaning mean good sex?

Spreadsheets advertises itself as a diagnostic tool for sexual ability, yet it makes no claims about whether or not the sex was "good". Instead, it just tracks objective attributes of your sexytimes like speed, thrusts, and decibel levels, which are so, so, so easy to fake (ladies, can we get a ‘hell yeah’?).

What do you think makes sex good? If you could make a sex app, what would it measure? We’re all ears.