New silver-lined underwear protects your family jewels from radiation so you can have that 14th kid

New silver-lined underwear protects your family jewels from radiation so you can have that 14th kid

CultureNovember 11, 2014

Thanks to a bunch of metal woven into Wireless Armour underpants, your family jewels can be protected against 99.9% of sperm-killing radiation. That's right men, and women who are fans of conspicuously fertile men. There's truly a silver lining to everything.

Underwear creator Joseph Perkins says the silver lining creates a small Faraday cage to protect human balls and shaft against radiation. Um, we don't know what you mean by "small" ... we always thought it was slightly below average.

He believes the undies are necessary because of falling sperm counts, which are partly due to the radiation we get from the gadgets we use every day.

The underwear works because the cage - invented by Michael Faraday in the 1800s - distributes any electromagnetic radiation evenly around it, making it so the iPhone in your pocket doesn't bore a searing hold into your nutsack over time.

"Now you can protect your most valuable assets too with Wireless Armour," he said. Look at this guy, he's a pun king!

Wireless Armour underwear cover the entire range of radiation emitted by wireless devices, from voice and texts through to 4G and Wi-Fi. Word's still out of it'll save your future spawn from radiation sustained by the constant microwave radiation you sustain from nightly solo Hungry Man TV dinners.

Joseph said he got the idea while teaching physics in Switzerland, where he said he realized his gadgets were exposing him to "huge amounts of radiation." That, or his balls are just tingly because he's happy to see us.

But Wireless Armour isn't a fully realized ball-protecting dream just yet; Joseph still needs to raise a $30,000 dollars to produce them, which he's asking for on his Indiegogo.

You guys. If he gets funded, this could change everything. What if all men start wearing these, and we breed a new generation of males with incredibly strong penises?

You're not going to have any more excuses about why you don't want to have children. Jerry Springer won't be able to give you your paternity test results on live TV because the waiting list for dad testing will be 14 years long.  Men's sperm is going to be so strong and healthy, just looking at an ovulating lass funny might knock her up. World populations will explode. Foot supplies will dwindle. We'll have less room for our modified jumping jack routine. We'll have too many Instagram followers to count, but not even in a cool, flattering way. More like an annoying, "God damn metal underwear is responsible for the entire human population" way.

Joseph also plans to develop a bra for women that works the same way. #Bombprooftitties.