No, I’m not eyeing your package, I’m trying to catch a Pikachu.
You might hate augmented reality, these new games that use your phone to superimpose fake monsters over real life.
You might think Pokemon GO ruins the outdoors, Ingress bogarts your smoke spots, and Zombies, Run! kills people.
But augmented reality isn’t going anywhere. It’s our new National Pastime.
Given that, could you use augmented reality to your advantage? Not just by dating people you meet at Pokemon GO gyms. But by using technology as an alibi. The way you’re using your laptop as an alibi RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, pretending to be studying or working when really you’re clicking through old Rooster Classmates of the Year.
So, when you’re out a bar, for example, and you’re caught pointing your phone toward a hot ass, clearly taking pictures, and you get caught, saying, “No, I’m not eyeing your assets, I’m trying to catch a Pikachu.”
That line is high-level cheekiness. In this game of techno-alibis, some situations are more difficult than others. Here are a few, ranked by easy, medium and hard:
Easy: Claiming to be looking for an “Exotic Matter” outside a dispensary, even though you’re on probation, are 18 and don’t have a card.
Medium: Claiming the same while on the med side of the dispensary, even though you’re 18 and don’t have a card.
Hard: Claiming to be looking for “Extotic Matter” inside your neighbor’s grow house, even though you’re 18 and don’t have a card.
Easy: When you’re at the pool, pointing your phone toward the hotties, clearly taking snaps, saying, “I’m just looking for a Portal”
Medium: Saying the same thing while pointing your phone toward the hotties at the family reunion.
Hard: Saying the same while pointing your phone toward the elementary school playground.
Easy: As a guy, being outside your ex girlfriend’s house when your current girlfriend calls, telling her, “I’m just doing a Gunk Shot.”
Medium: Saying the same while you’re inside your ex girlfriend’s house.
Hard: Saying the same while you’re inside your ex girlfriend.
Easy: As a guy, saying, “I’m just looking for a ‘Lick’” while you’re on a walk with your current boyfriend, when actually you’re flicking through hot guys on Grindr.
Medium: Saying the same while flicking through hot guys on Grindr while on a walk with your current girlfriend.
Hard: Getting nothing more than a lick off of Grindr.
In all of these situations, remember to sell it: have Ingress or Pokemon Go as one of your recent screens for quick flicking. Use an incognito tab for all questionable activity. And, if you want a real tough challenge, try growing a backbone and actually not being a skeeze. We’re trying to have a society here, and we can’t do that if all you’re doing is jacking it and looking at your Nexus 6.