The North Korean military is so adorable
Trump's approval ratings are in the toilet.
And a surefire way for any president to boost their numbers is to start a war.
North Korea could be an easy win. Maybe. Except the media, both ours and theirs, tries to make their military look scary.
They point out that North Korea has almost as many service members as we do. They show clips of missiles blazing. They show graphics of nuclear weapons tests.
It can be nerve-rattling. But then they'll show footage of actual military training by actual members of the armed forces. And though they try to make these army look like awesome warriors, daring fighters, in the end, they just end up looking ... kind of adorable? They're kind of dinky in an endearing way.
Stay with me here. Just watch a few of the clips from North Korean state TV, posted below. Watch the puffy green hats where helmets should be. Notice the camouflage from a potted plant. Watch the flowery karate moves like fight choreography from a Jackie Chan flick.
If you're like me, you won't want to fight them, you'll want to hug them. And you'll look forward to a war with North Korea, like a fantastical Saturday morning cartoon.
Let's start with their captivating prowess in the martial arts. Fast forward to 1:00 to see the real action.
(Also, might want to hit mute on all these. The propaganda lady's voice is unrelenting.)
Would you want to be stuck down on a dark alley with those guys? Yes you would. Even if you got your ass kicked, you would be so entertained.
They're not only fantastic with their fighting abilities, but with their costumes, which they seem to make at Army Arts and Crafts camp. Starting at :08, check the delightful straw glued to their helmets, and also the fake green leaves which add a nice botanical touch.
One of my favorite parts of the North Korean military is that they're always beating on each other, like they're so anxious to fight someone that they can't help but fight each other. Starting at 2:06 below, watch them whale on each other using pickaxes and garden shovels and other landscaping implements. Not really what I had in mind when I wanted to fertilize my garden, but I'll take it.
For unknown reasons, they sometimes jump over fancy cars (1:40 mark). I want to squeeze them!
This next video is great all the way through, but I most like the bayonet work, shown off best at the :58 mark, in which these glorious men stick it to cardboard cutouts. Love.
Here's more charming stunts, like the way they hold rocks on their tummies like otters while compatriots sledgehammer them.
Then, we have their loyalty. The army has an adorable relationship with Kim Jong Un, the cherubic uncle-assassin and great leader whose mom's vagina guaranteed him endless power.
In this next clip, fast forward to 7:00 for one of my favorite scenes in all of military propaganda: troops wade into the sea, fully clothed, to follow their beloved leader. They're like lemmings with rifles.
I love that! They love him soooo much!
And just in case you think that sea-wading was a one-off, you have not fully appreciate what fantastic fanboys these doughboys are for their doughy Pol Pot. Here are other troops following Kim into other seas, at 8:00.
One more. At 1:45 in this one, they're diving off a pier after Kim, so badly do they desire his heavenly prescence. It's terrific.
There are so many more adorable things. From how they take care of their pregnant moms by jiggling their bottoms (2:50 mark) to the way they make a national project of building dolphin aquariums, to the way supreme leader Kim takes time to visit the openings of such monumental projects as a fitness center, a meat shop or a fish breeding station.
Our two countries may never go to war. But, to me, these videos of army guys speak to our common humanity. North Koreans, just like us, try to do their best for their country. They work hard. They act enthusiastically. All to support and perpetuate the grand story fed to them by the old rich dudes who own everything.
In conclusion, I'd just like to post a video of a Korean baby dancing adorably. Because there is never a bad reason to post this vid. Enjoy.