Nothing is more fucked up than these Pokémon GO sex toys
If you've ever wanted the pointed, flame-tipped tail of Charizard inside your body sexually, all we can say to you is this: what a time to be alive.
An enterprising Australian couple named Josh and Emma have just invented very textured set of Pokemon sex toys called "Pokémoan," and, well, they're pointier than the knife-tipped trident of Neptune himself.
Included in the set is a combination of dildos and butt plugs that's sure to make you Squirtle with pleasure.
First up, we have "Bulby," a phallice belonging to a certain "grass type Pokémon." It has a "large seed tip making it a very pleasurable friend to have." Then there's "Charmy," a dildo outfitted with a red-tipped tail that "gives intense orgasms everywhere it goes." There's" a "Squirty," a.k.a. a dildo featuring a "grooved turtle shell on its back," and finally, the crown jewel of them all: "Piky," a "small electric type anal Pokémoan" created especially for those who've always wanted an electric rodent up their butts.
Charmy looks mean and medieval. Can we not use Charmy?
You're welcome to buy any of these Poké-dicks separately, but there's also a four-in-one package deal if you really want to catch 'em all.
You can find these things on the Etsy shop Geeky Sex Toys, where the aforementioned Australian couple also sells an even wider range of phallic nerd devices for orifice pleasure. So far, the couple have come up with a Game of Thrones dildo in the shape of Jon's Snow's sword (complete with direwolf head, yum!), as well as a Sailor Moon Dildo Wand people can use to explore the passionate potential of the moon, the prism and the power.
Yet, while the GoT and Sailor Moon sex toys are certainly popular, they pale in comparison to the Pokémoan line. With the newfound virality of the game, people are really, really dying to incorporate adorable fictional creatures into their sex lives.
"Well, let's just say that we were an extremely new and small business, and now we are having to expand as quickly as possible," Josh and Emma told Broadly when asked about how badly people want to fuck Pokémon.
They also revealed which item in their Pokémoan line is the most popular. Piky, apparently, is by far the most beloved, simply because, as Josh and Emma point out, "he's the cutest." Wowww.
We don't know what that says about people's need to put cute things up their butts, but one thing's for certain: we're keeping our office dogs away from you people. Why are we like this?
Also makes a great stocking stuffer for your dad.