Office Sex 101: Where to have sex with your coworkers

Office Sex 101: Where to have sex with your coworkers

SexNovember 20, 2013

If you've made it this far, we can only assume you're here for the office sex. Good. Because there's a few rules you'll need to know.

1st Rule: You do not talk about office sex.

2nd Rule: You DO NOT talk about office sex.

3rd Rule: Find a good place to have office sex.

4th Rule: Office sex is a touchy subject because there's so much at stake. Be considerate of where your co-worker wants to fuck you; you want them to feel comfortable while your boss walks around angrily looking for you guys. Ahh, romance.

Good thing we found this handy infographic that breaks down the best places in your office to get it on, so you can make the most informed decision about the right place to put at end to all that sexual tension you and so-and-so are having. It's based on a survey conducted by EliteSingles, which found that 56% of women and 61% of men have fantasized about having sex with a co-worker in their office. Hey, you're not alone! Here's what they found:

Looks like most women want to seal the deal in their personal office, while most men think the storage room is the best place for co-workers to get sexual. Don't even get us started on the conference room; that was the one area that women and men agreed would make a fantastic place for a shag. Nobody really wanted to fuck in the kitchen or the smoking area though. Pussies.

Okay, so let's take those top three locations; personal office, storage room, and conference room, and break them down.

Personal Office: Your office is probably the most comfortable place for sex. Maybe you have a couch in there if you're a high-roller, maybe you have a cushy ergonomic office chair that supports your scoliosis, maybe you have a desk that can be quickly cleared of staplers and files in a moment of passion. And chance are that if you have your own office, you have a door to that office, which you can close, sealing off you and your coworker in a romance zone made of office furniture.

How to pull it off: Set a lunch meeting with your coworker outside the office. Put a sticky note on your door that says you're out to lunch, and will be back soon. Walk out of the office so people see you leaving, then turn around like you forgot your cell phone. As you leave, your coworker sneaks into your office and waits there. When you come back for your "cell phone," you know what do to. If your office has glass walls, you're fucked, and not even literally. Move on to the next office sex locale.

Storage Room: Definitely the best place for office-hours sex. With a personal office or conference room, you'll probably have to wait until people start leaving to start banging. It's dark, secluded, and you can have sex standing up. And if anyone asks you why you were in the storage room for so long, well, you were just getting some pens. Pen15 to be exact (does that joke still work?).

How to pull it off: Set a time when most people will be in a meeting or out to lunch, i.e. not needing extra staples or tape. Casually walk in there like you're on a mission for printer paper, and meet your coworker inside. Lock the door if you can, and turn off the lights so no one notices you're in there. Move as far away from the door, behind as many filing cabinets as possible, and go to town. When you leave, grab some office supplies and blame your sex hair on lice.

Conference Room: This is the most fantasy-based option of the three. It's the most public, and the most symbolic, so getting it on there is extra kinky. And extra hard during business hours, because there's always going to be something going on in there.

How to pull it off: Because everyone can probably see into the conference room, and is usually using it most of the day, wait until after work if that's where you want your office romp to take place. Stay late, and immerse yourself in work, or say that you're waiting for your ride to pick you up. When everyone's gone, grab your coworker and make that fantasy a reality. You can thank us later.