Old man wins threesome with hookers, dies hours before it's scheduled to happen

Old man wins threesome with hookers, dies hours before it's scheduled to happen

VicesDecember 16, 2013

In what is undoubtedly the saddest piece of news we've had to report, 86 year-old Johnny Orris choked to death on a piece of steak just hours before he was scheduled to have sex with some free hookers.

He had just won Howard Stern's "I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid" contest, and for doing so, he was generously awarded a threesome with two bad bitches named Rain Riches and Caressa Kisses, a couple of world-class hookers from the infamous Bunny Ranch in Nevada. "He was ecstatic," said Ed, who signed him up for the contest, wanting to give the old fart one last hurrah before he settled down into old age.  So, to get his strength up for what would have been the crowning moment of his life, Johnny treated himself to a steak dinner at Harveys Lake Tahoe Resort the night before. It would be his last meal.

Just a few bites into the meal, Johnny began choking as a piece of prime rib lodged itself in his throat, forever relieving him of his obligation to have mediocre sex with a bunch of prostitutes. Turns out God isn't a big fan of geriatric group sex.

Unfortunately, nobody was able to tell his family he'd "be in a better place," because we're pretty sure there's no better place than sandwiched between the silicon boobies of two hookers who aren't even getting paid. "The guy was so full of life," Johnny Orris's grandson Ed told the New York Daily News.

According to Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof, Caressa and Rain went from normal hoes to heartbroken hoes real fast upon hearing of Johnny's departure. "The bunnies loved him," he declared. "This is the worst day in Bunny Ranch history."

"He was a wonderful man," tweeted Caressa, no doubt shaken up that she would no longer be having sex with an 86 year-old for free. "It broke my heart."

It was a somber event for everyone, but at the end day, someone still had to have sex with these hookers. So, like a true American hero, Johnny's grandson Ed stepped up to the plate and did the deed himself in his grandpa's honor. Now that's a man that loves his grandpa.