Only in America: 3 stories that would never happen anywhere else

Only in America: 3 stories that would never happen anywhere else

VicesNovember 03, 2013

Weird things happen everywhere. But there are a few exceptionally weird things that could only happen right here in the Land of the Free,  'Merica. So cue the jock rock and let the bald eagles soar, because in this edition of Only in America, we're taking you on a carbon footprint-inducing news tour across America's super fat heartland.

The Kids Aren’t Ok

The pussification of America’s kids became more evident after a middle school in Long Island, N.Y., took playground matters into its own hands, banning footballs, baseballs and games of tag from school grounds to prevent kids from getting hurt during recess. The coddling school officials said too many kids displayed scrapes, bumps and head injuries because of the violent games. Students at Webber Middle School complained of the ban saying they just want to have fun at recess. Those complaints were quickly retracted after the middle schoolers discovered a new game called “second base.”

Organic is Overrated

You can take away their footballs, baseballs and games of tag, but you’ll never take away slimy, green meat patties. Health advocates attempting to promote a healthier school lunch faced a setback after students rejected their 100-percent beef patty alternatives for school lunches. Students claimed the patties neither looked nor tasted right. With the growing backlash, the schools finally said fuck it and reinstated the original artificially colored, 26-ingredient, “pink slime” burgers they had previously served — making the only real losers in this story the janitors.

Big Government

It’s hard to find a government official that’s looking out for his people and not his own personal interests, but in Michigan, we might have found our guiding light and savior. Last month, Michigan legislators introduced a bill mandating every tavern selling “pints” of beer actually include 16 ounces of beer in the pint, instead of a smaller amount in a glass shaped like a pint glass. The legislation reads "Sec. 106: An on-premises licensee shall not advertise or sell any glass of beer as a pint in this state unless that glass contains at least 16 oz. of beer." Michigan residents, who feel as though they’ve been swindled on their pour, can simply inform the bartender he is indeed breaking the law. That is of course, unless they’re in Detroit. Then they should just drink their beer and be glad they’re not being robbed.

By The Numbers

22: Number of Americans in millions who still live with their parents

6:  percent of all coupons that are redeemed

57:  percent more likely you are to be obese if your friends are obese

60: Percent of Americans that are obese