The only thing worse than having sex in these 7 places is Nickelback

The only thing worse than having sex in these 7 places is Nickelback

SexFebruary 28, 2014

Contrary to popular belief, the only thing that having sex in an unusual place will spice up is your ER visit or prison hearing. That's why we've compiled a brief and entirely accurate list of the seven worst places to have sex on planet earth; so you don't have to make the same mistakes we did.

1. Bathtub

One of water's most extraordinary abilities besides maintain life as we know it is to completely kill any glimmer of sensation below the belt if you try to have sex in it. Usually, sexual pleasure happens because of friction and heat, but water, like the giant cock-block it is, is just glorified lube. Think of it this way; if you try to fuck in water, you're pretty much swimming in lube, and that's only fun if you're a stripper on Girl Fight night.

Solution: If you want to fuck with water on you, do it standing up in the shower. That way, everyone's P's and V's will be wet, but not immersed in natures un-sexiest element.

2. VW TDI Golf ... unless you are a little person or have collapsible limbs

We're not saying sex in cars sucks. We're saying sex in Volkswagen TDI Golfs, or similar vehicles, sucks. The ceilings are so low that if you try to climb on top of each other, you're just ramming your cranium into a metal sheet. The seats are so narrow, that missionary is impossible unless you don't mind pulling all the muscles in your already-fragile hips, and the window are tinted...but not that tinted. It's a clown car in disguise, and you're not doing yourself any favors by trying to contort your skeleton.

Solution: If you can't find a car that doesn't look like it was made for rats to have sex in, then you can still use your precious Golf to your advantage. Find a private place (or public, you naughty boy/girl). Pull the side of the car up close to a wall so you're almost touching it, but far enough that you can fit your body in the space between your car in the wall. Now, the guy stands in the space between the car and the wall, holding the girl up against the wall, facing her. The girl puts her feet on the car for support and wraps her legs around the guy, and bang! You're having hot, up-against-the-wall sex, using a silly little car for support.

3. The Beach

Let's do a quick show of hands real fast ... who here would like to spend the next week picking shards of sand and sea crabs out of their vaginas or foreskins? Nobody? What about their butts? Okay, Andrew, just you? Well, children, the point is, that if you're going to copulate on the serene, peaceful shores of the nearest beach, a lot of things that you didn't even know existed are going to find their way into your crevices and appendages. There is an incredible amount of animal poop in sand. There is seaweed and poisonous sharks.  There is garbage. So much garbage. All of these things can give you infections. And if they don't get you, the salty ocean water will. Hello, yeast infection, which men can also get. Beaches are also inevitably windy. Wind evaporates important lubrication fluids. See where we're going with this?

Solution: If you must beach fuck, beach fuck on a beach chair, in between beach blankets that can protect your from beach detritus.

4. IKEA

We get the allure of IKEA. "Come, lay on one of our numerous, impeccably designed beds which are going for 15% when you buy a hot dog downstairs," IKEA beckons to you. Like a sort of fatal Swedish siren song, the layout of the place calls to you, offering ample opportunities to recline on non-woven polypropylene chaise lounges or smooth fake-marble countertops. But as soon as you and your lover find the perfect STENSTORP kitchen series display room to consummate your love in, a gaggle of snot-nosed children crying and sucking on cinnamon rolls busts in. "Where are their parents?" you'll wonder as you'll scramble to finish before an adult over the age of 18 comes in to citizen's arrest you. We'll tell you where they are. They're outside, screaming at each other and getting a divorce because they've succumbed to IKEA's mystical propensity to tear families apart. Is this really where you want to fuck, in the epicenter of a hurricane of family disputes and children covered in Swedish meatballs?

Solution: The only solution is to buy everything, fuck on it, then sell it on Craigslist for more than you bought it. Or, try American Furniture Warehouse, but beware of tigers.

5. A Hammock

There does not exist on this planet another location that tests your balance and core strength quite like the hammock. Sure, when you're just laying there, not attached at the genitals, it's all sweet and innocent. But once you start getting randy, shit gets weird. You know how when you have sex on a bed, or something solid, your body has a surface on which to bounce up and down, or thrust upon? Not so with the hammock. When you're fucking in a hammock, you're having sex in air. That makes it near impossible to keep a satisfying rhythm, or change speeds or positions without falling out of the tree you're hanging from. Gravity exerts itself differently on you in your nest in the sky, and you become too focused on not flipping the bastard over to pay attention to the task at hand. Hammocks also have a well-known and endearing habit of breaking when they're repeatedly stretched, or when one molecule of extra weight is added to them. Many penises and hearts have been broken on these dangling monstrosities.

Solution: If you're just foaming at the mouth to have sex in something that's dangling in the air, invest in a sex swing. Those things are made from industrial-strength synthetic fabric and metal, and you can screw them into the ceiling without fear of them collapsing as you come.

6. On a Plane

Ah, the famed "Mile High Club." The appeal of airplane sex is understandable; it's a highly public place in which the threat being caught is immense. On paper, that makes the idea of sex very exciting ... until you actually have to pull it off. It's so hard for two people to sneak into a lavatory unnoticed, and sneak out, that it almost makes you wonder why you're trying to hard to have sex. Why are you so desperate right now? Can you not just wait until you land, or jack each other off under a coat in your seats like everyone else? Also, we all know what happens if you get caught. We're not going to say it, but it rhymes with pail.

Solution: We totally get wanting to have high-stakes sex. But, you'll be thrown in jail a lot less longer for much less serious charges if you get caught fucking in a not-airplane. So, sneak into the bathroom a restaurant or do it in a movie theater. Hell, fuck outside, in plain sight at a music festival or game; we don't care. We just don't want you hogging the airplane bathroom, because that's where we go to void the airport Cinnabon we ate, okay?

7. In the Snow

What are you, some sort of ice-pain fetish freak? We mean, if you like the idea of having your labia freeze to a tree or your dick shrivel up like a microscopic raisin, then hey, go for it, but we're not coming. The snow is one of those places where magazines like Cosmo tell you to "have sex before you die!" because it'll "spice up your relationship!" But in reality, the only thing it'll spice up is your visit to the ER after your balls get frostbite. Because really, have you ever really wanted to take your pants off when it's eight degrees outside and you're shivering like a chihuahua when the temperature dips to 95? That's what we thought.

Solution: Wait until summertime to have sex outside, you crazy fools.