Pineapples and parsley: How men can control the flavor of their spunk

Pineapples and parsley: How men can control the flavor of their spunk

CultureAugust 25, 2016

One of life’s great tragedies is the unsatisfied oral-sex life. Why not improve your own? The fact is, whether fellatio or cunninglingus, tongues get coated with fluids that are often salty, bitter, and unpleasant to swallow. If your girlfriend claims she doesn’t want to give you head because your semen tastes like shit, change your diet and sweeten your spunk.

The process works the same for both women and men (however, women’s genital fluids are also affected by their menstrual cycles). A man’s ejaculate consists of only about 1 percent sperm; the other 99 percent consists of a composition of sugars, salts, cholesterol, water, proteins, minerals, and nutrients that are all affected by dietary intake. A diet for sweeter semen can also be a diet for healthy living—just keep in mind it takes 12-24 hours from consumption to secretion to alter your inner flavor.

DOs

  • The easiest and most effective way to sweeten up semen is by eating plenty of fruit. Specifically, pineapple, papaya, cranberry, melons, mangos, apples, and grapes will overload your ejaculate with natural sugars, serving to offset its normal bitter taste.

  • Drink lots of water. Aim for at least a half-gallon a day to flush out body toxins and lower pH levels.

  • Parsley, wheatgrass, and celery are also recommended for a sweeter flavor because of their high chlorophyll content, which provides energy and antioxidants. A swallowed load can lead to a nourished body, which is just another reason to give your boyfriend what he wants.

  • Cinnamon, cardamom, peppermint and lemon are recommended for a zingy tang.

  • Avoid junk foods full of fat, but eat sugary candy until your teeth fall out. We’re talking full bags of gushers, gummy bears, starbursts and pixie sticks. And then see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a—well, you get the idea.

  • Zinc and selenium supplements are beneficial to healthy sperm function, allegedly reducing bitterness by lowering pH. There are even specialty supplements you can take specifically for changing your sperm’s taste—maybe to pumpkin pie? 

  • Eat a lot of vegetables. Again, chlorophyll is the bomb for healthy bodily functions. Most vegetables are generally considered to improve spunk flavor except for a few—including cauliflower, broccoli, onions, and asparagus—that are high in sulfur content.

DON’Ts

  • Ditch high sulfur content. Skip garlic, plus all the veggies mentioned above.

  • Avoid red meat (especially the fast food variety) and dairy products, as they are the main contributors to salty semen. If there’s a blowjob on your calendar, plan ahead by eating lean meats such as chicken and turkey. We’re not sure, but fish just can’t be good.

  • Don’t do drugs—legal or otherwise. A lot to ask, we know. But alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, and other recreational drugs all contain chemical pollutants that raise the pH level of your spunk, resulting in a vinegary, bitter taste—which doesn’t work for anybody. 


Recipe: Super Spunk Smoothie
1 cup pineapple, fresh or canned
1 banana, frozen
1 cup apple juice
½ tsp. sugar
½ tsp. ginger
½ tsp. cinnamon
¼ tsp. nutmeg
½ tsp. vanilla extract
2 Tbls. honey