Porn films that don't exist yet, but really should

Porn films that don't exist yet, but really should

SexJuly 16, 2014

A few porn movie treatments we sent off to Hollywood a while ago but haven't heard back about yet ... maybe they got lost in the mail?

1. "XXX Gravity"

After their space station is destroyed by a field of orbiting Danny Bonaduche DVD box sets that were sent to space for disposal, an astronaut couple must find their way back to Earth. But there's a catch: the thrusters on their re-entrance capsule have been destroyed, so they'll have to do the thrusting themselves. WIll they be able to fuck their way back to the home, or will they perish at the icy hands of outer space? They'll have to try every position to find out. Starring Sandra Buttock and George Pooney.

2. "Small Booty Hoes Who Are Incapable of Twerking"

Big, jiggling booties get all the love; but what about the small-butted women of the earth who are physically unable to jiggle their butt in a visually stimulating manner? Do they too not deserve a chance to obliterate any chance of holding a reputable job one day by making a stupid sex tape?

3. "Nymphomaniac Vol. 3"

The first two were just porns, so why not follow in the tradition of porn sequels and make 14 more?

4. "Fucking Bad"

Imagine if Walter White never had the thought to start making meth, but started making porn to support his family instead. His in-depth knowledge of chemistry would lead him to develop a blue-colored love potion that he starts trafficking, much to the chagrin of the local Pleasures and online adult product retailers. And instead of killing everyone, he just has sex with them, enlisting Jessie to do the dirty work for him because there's some things he just won't do, and those things are called "looking at the girl in the eyes." The film climaxes when Skyler finds out about his potion, takes some, then actually has sex with Walter for once because you know that's all you wanted to see the entire god damn time Breaking Bad was on. His response? "I am the one who cocks."

5. "Vocational Jobs Vol. 1"

Porn stars show up to audition for a hot new scene ... but are sent to deliver actual pizzas and fix real plumbing problems instead because there's a leak under our sink and we're really hungry.

6. "Up 2: The Uprising"

One man's struggle with erectile dysfunction is improved after he ties 100 helium-filled ballons to his dick to get it "Up."

7. "Toy Story: This Toy Takes Two Double-A Batteries, Please"

In this sequel to beloved animated movie Toy Story, all the toys will be replaced with sex toys. They can keep their names though: Buzz Lightyear is a macho vibrator, Woody is a silicon mold of James Deen's penis, Stinky Pete goes you know where, and Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head are simulated fellatio devices made in Japan. There's some stiff competition between them to determine who's the best one of them, and that's where Andy, who has matured about 20 years and aquired a sexually adventurous girlfriend, comes in.

8. "Fantastic Mr. Cocks"

A penis played by George Clooney lives under a tree in an idyllic countryside setting, but his home is threatened when three farmers move in on his land and try to demolish his dick world. We don't know what that has to do with it, but Penis Clooney has sex with everything with a pulse in a display of macho territorialism. Will his antics scare off the farmers, or will they too be seduced by the concept of a disembodied penis trying to defend its home?

9. "The one where your boyfriend actually has sex with you instead of falling asleep"

In this riveting romp, your boyfriend seems not uninterested in your freshly shaven legs and neither falls asleep nor stays awake after a big pasta dinner, leaving him dazed and susceptible enough to your advances to get one or two good pumps in before announcing "I'm done." You'll count that one as the 0.5 in the 2.5 times you've had sex this year.

10. "Half-Assed"

A student gets punished by her teacher for half-assing her homework assignments ... But there's a twist: she only has one butt cheek! Now it's her turn to school him in the art of dead metaphors!

11. "Came and Gone in 60 Seconds"

An in-depth look at premature ejaculation is presented through the story of a man played by Dickolas Cage who has the impressively unfortunate ability to have sex for only 60 seconds or under. That is, until he meets tranny Mangelina Jolie, who trains him in the art of holding it in until his premature ejaculation problem is a thing of the past. Or, is it?