Porn views down exponentially as Apple’s iPhone 7 premieres online

Porn views down exponentially as Apple’s iPhone 7 premieres online

CultureSeptember 09, 2016 By Brian Frederick

Checking out the latest in technological advances and watching two women shout “Scissor me timbers” at each other are two mutually exclusive activities. It’s very difficult, nay impossible, to do both at the same time. Which is why, when Apple released its highly polarizing iPhone 7, porn views nationwide took a nosedive.

Who better to prove the numbers than PornHub itself? The site is often on the ball with current trends in the fapping industry and yesterday proved no different when it released analytics pulled from Sept 7, graphed from around noon to 2 p.m. EST — when the tech giant was live streaming the event, viewable only on Apple devices.

As iPhones and iPads account for over 35 percent of PornHub’s 60 million daily visitors, the sudden drop in traffic can likely be blamed on the viral event. Unless everyone went out to lunch and couldn’t porn in the restaurant, but, no. Just. No.

The site also saw a 8.8 percent drop in traffic on Safari web browsers. After the live stream was over, however, horndogs around the nation jumped right back on, spiking the visits to over 6 percent of normal daily traffic. Can’t nobody hold ‘em down, oh no.

What this means for the future of the world? Absolutely nothing, really. It just means we have a healthy appetite for naked people doing adult things and can be distracted by new and shiny things once in a while. Like parrots. Humans are just horny parrots and now we have proof. Caw caw, motherfuckers.