The pussification of America is complete: Flamin' Hot Cheetos are sending kids everywhere to the ER

The pussification of America is complete: Flamin' Hot Cheetos are sending kids everywhere to the ER

CultureNovember 21, 2013

It's really the best excuse to miss work of all time: "My kid ate Flamin' Hot Cheetos and I have to rush him to the ER because his fragile colon can't handle the heat."

That's right. Kids everywhere are OD-ing on the satanically spicy snacks, causing untold losses in work productivity for their adult parents who rush them to the ER, only the be stuck with unaffordable medical bills, a sick child, and the realization that they should have used a condom oh, let's say about eight years ago.

Kids just can't get enough of that Maltodextrin-Red 40 flavor, and seem to be taking pleasure in the pain that befalls their GI tract after consuming a ration of the devilish corn-things, because lately, they just don't know when to stop eating them.

Andrew Medina, 12, eats 20-30 bags of Flamin' Hot Cheetos a month, a feat that seems almost suicidal to the educated American. And what does Andrew have from his unchecked Cheeto consumption? Burning, bloating, and vomiting associated with gastritis, or inflammation of the stomach lining. "It hurts a lot," Andrew explained. Thanks, buddy, that was really informative.

But gastritis isn't the only side effect of Flamin' Hots; doctors have observed peptic ulcers, gastrointestinal erosions, excruciating pain, and blood red kid poops in children who choose to satiate their appetite for chaos with the spicy snack.  Dr. Martha Rivers of White Memorial Hospital in Los Angeles explains, "We have a population who loves to eat the hot, spicy, not-real foods, and they come in [to the emergency room] with these real complaints." Yes, kids just love not-real foods, don't they. Dr. Rivers posits that the recent rash of child hospitalizations from Cheetos is due to the "spice contained in the snack." We can really see why she became a doctor.

So what's the moral of the story? Douse the infernal flames of Flamin' Hot Cheetos in a cool bath of milk, or some other dairy-laden drink before you eat them, as milk can neutralize spice. Or, if that sounds unimaginably disgusting to you, just don't eat them! That way, you'll save all of us the trouble of having to think about children eating too many Cheetos, and the world's balance shall be restored.