A quickie history of the erotic arts ... and porn

A quickie history of the erotic arts ... and porn

CultureMarch 16, 2014

Playboy and El Interneto were by no means the first places that porn has shown up in the history of homo erectus. Ever since we went bipedal, our race has been paying tribute to the horizontal mambo. Whether it was on cave walls, ancient scrolls, or questionable sculptures, sex was definitely on your great great great grandpa's mind. And you thought you were dirty.

28,000 - 30,000 CE Vénus de la Grotte Chauvet

Found in a pre-American-hating France, the Chauvet Cave houses the oldest cave drawings in the entire world, featuring images of wooly rhinoceroses, panthers and a “Venus,” or a truncated set of human legs with a large pubic region and vulva. Where the torso and remainder of the body would be is the image of a bison head and a feline figure, proving that even prehistoric man was only interested in one thing: the Buffalo Bills and the Carolina Panthers on NFL Sunday.

1150 BCE Turin Erotic Papyrus

Unearthed in the ancient Egyptian village of Deir el-Medina, the Erotic Papyrus measures 8.5 feet by 10 inches, easily earning its nickname as the world’s first men’s magazine. Consisting of 12 panels, the work features eight panels depicting various sexual positions. Though severely damaged over time, archeologists recorded finding it underneath an ancient teenager’s mattress with suspiciously stiff pages.

1 - 20 CE Sculpture of Pan Copulating with a Goat

Pan Copulating was discovered in the buried city of Herculaneum neighboring Pompey, both of which were entombed with ash from the erupting Mount Vesuvius and preserved until archeologists unearthed them. This embarrassingly arousing piece of sculpture depicts the mythological half-man, half-satyr creature, Pan, fornicating in a very power-top fashion with what some would call livestock and others, perhaps a furry poke cushion.

Circa 100 CE Nudey Brothel Tokens

Found by 37-year-old pastry chef Regis Cursan, its discovery is hypothetical evidence that at the turn of the first millenium Roman soldiers may have used these coins, or brothel tokens, to pay for sexual services. On the coin itself is a depiction of the sexual service or position the seeker would encounter. It has not yet been released if the flipside of the coins have a depiction of the type of infectious, slow-dripping, disease the soldier might walk away with after the encounter.

200 CE The Kama Sutra

The “Kama Sutra” is an ancient Indian Hindu text, most likely a compilation of works over several hundred years that detailed for the first time in a systematic manner sexual behavior in a social context. Not to mention it has 10 chapters solely dedicated to sexual union, including such antiquated notions as biting, marking with the nails, ways of properly striking, females acting as males (meow!), and more sexual positions than you could shake a double-headed stick at.

1524 I Modi

Rome is considered the birthplace of modern pornography, defining the time when pornographic art initiated a distinctive split from what had previously been fertility imagery and erotic art. The breaking point was when Marcantonio Raimondi published 16 scathing engravings showing Greco-Roman mythological figures and others enjoying miles-high, Olympus-style coitus. So scandalous was it Raimondi was sentenced to jail where he was said to have done a multitude of professional “research” while locked in his cell before being released a year later.

1897 ”Apres le Bal le tub” or “After the Ball, the Bath”

Written and directed by Georges Méliès at the turn of the century, this French film has a one-minute scene in which an affluent female is undressed by a servant, steps into a tub and has water drawn over her. It is the first time in cinematic history that “nudity” is shown in motion pictures and also the first time porno viewers were let down despite very low expectations.

1953 Playboy Magazine

In 1953 when the world was still somehow oddly in black and white, innocent and stable, a 27-year-old little genius published a magazine the likes of which would set a precedent for modern erotic art in print. With a modest amount of funding, including $1,000 from his mother, Hugh Hefner produced his debut issue featuring the cultural icon Marilyn Monroe on its cover. The publication has become one of the most suspect reasons why sock and linen laundering rose 247 percent nationwide that year.

1980s First Celebrity Sex Tape

Jayne Kennedy is a remarkable woman. She’s a successful actress, the first black woman to win the crown as Miss Ohio as well as the first black actress to be on the cover of Playboy Magazine, and she was one of the first women sportscasters in NFL history. Unfortunately, she is also considered the first celebrity victim of a leaked sex tape, when in the late 1970s some d-bag (cough, cough, her husband, allegedly) released their tape to the public. Fortunately, the public was only accessible by snail mail and telegraph at the time so most privates were kept private. However, it was reported that some freaky, 21st-century, sexy shenanigans may have occurred including someone acting as a sock puppet of sorts, but the Rooster just doesn’t have the malware protection to confirm nor deny the allegation.

1990s The Internet

Some time in the late ’80s, before he was winning the Nobel Prize, Al Gore was busy creating one of the greatest inventions ever known to humanity: the Internet. And like a lucky, giant soccer kick of ecstasy to the genitals came Internet porn. Sure the Internet has great educational and sociological potential, but much to the satisfaction of many a dude and dudette, online porn is credited with helping the little ol’ interweb grow into the modern-day, perverted adult friend you like to keep in the closet. And with that friend you can access hundreds of millions of reasons to never leave your oily Lazy Boy again.

2013 Google Glass

In a short clip on Youtube, mainstream pornstars Andy San Dimas and her partner James Deen both use Google Glass to record a satirical romp during which stats are displayed in a “Robocop” fashion on the inside of their lenses, web searches are made and salacious pictures taken all while recording and broadcasting simultaneously. And the shocker, users can purportedly swap video feeds, enabling each person to see themselves in the act of making the “O” face.

20?? THE Sex Tape

This spot reserved for the Miley Cyrus/Justin Bieber twerk/sex tape. Our only question is who’s on bottom when it’s all said and done?