How to make your very own Jailhouse Burrito
Life on the inside isn’t always about non-consensual visits and tuberculosis. It’s also an exploration into a creative realm of possibilities with an extremely limited amount of resources. There are no finer acts of innovation than that of the prospects of bored inmates and their stitched-together delicacies of commissary. Ask anyone who’s done time and they’ll reminisce fondly of the jailhouse burrito: a luxury within the cold walls of the clink.
1 Cup hot water
1 Package ramen noodles
1 Single serving size bag of Doritos (1 oz.)
1 Beef stick (Optional)
Hand towel or local alt-weekly newspaper
First, pulverize the chips inside of the bag into an almost powder-like consistency. The bag itself will act as the burrito’s domain to cook in, so be sure to crush with care.
Next, execute the same amount of manhandling with the ramen. An insider’s favorite way to get this done is to release a small amount of aggression by chucking the package against a wall or inanimate object. Or animate, whichever. Again, the noodles should be well crushed and mangled appropriately.
Dump the beaten noodles and its seasoning into the chip bag and mix well. If you want to add a chopped-up beef stick for added protein, do so now and mix in with the other ingredients.
When it’s all good and mixed, pour hot water into the bag just enough to cover everything. Warning: Add too much and the recipe turns into a poor man’s soup. Add too little and you’ve got nothing but a delicious mess.
The bag will obviously be hot. Just deal with it, because now you need to fold the bag over to create an airtight pocket. Notice the accompanying burrito shape it makes? It’s all coming together. S’up, Rachael Ray?
Now, wrap the b’ito tight inside of a towel or local alt-weekly newspaper. Let sit for about 10-15 minutes.
Dump out and dish up. Delicious.
Calories: 330 (470 with beef)
Total Fat: 16g (27g with beef)
Protein: 7g (13g with beef)
Sodium: 830mg (1,310mg with beef)