Red eyes while swimming is actually caused by all the piss in pools, not chlorine
Ah, swimming pools: man's universal urinal, the sacred vessel of piss that greets us each summer with a refreshing chemical splash.
Pool-faring folks have been known to neutralize swimming pools' omnipresent bladder juice with great quantities of chlorine. And for years, this chlorine was believed to be the culprit responsible for the crimson, bloodshot eyes one gets after a lengthy bout of pool exposure, but now, new research from the CDC tells us otherwise.
It's not chlorine in pools that causes red eyes, it's the fucking ocean of piss.
Chlorine, it seems, does nothing more impressive than bind to urine and sweat molecules in the water, and the resulting compound is what turns your eyes into burning ruby orbs.
“Chlorine binds with all the things it’s trying to kill from your bodies, and it forms these chemical irritants. That’s what’s stinging your eyes. It’s the chlorine binding to the urine and sweat,” says the affably named Dr. Michael J. Beach, associate director of the CDC's Healthy Water program.
Even more dumbfounding, the fabled dye that causes the water in the pool to change colors if somebody pisses in it doesn't even exist.
"It's a myth. It's about scaring people into not urinating in the pool," Beach says.
To recap: pools are toilets, chlorine makes pee stronger, and there's no way to tell which snot-nosed little freak has relieved themselves on your bikini.
We'd tell you to fulfill your water sport needs in Boulder Creek, but you can't even go in that shit because it's traveling eleventy million miles per hour and it'll murder you.
IS THERE NOWHERE TO SPLISH SPLASH ANYMORE? WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
If you need us, we'll be over here in our margarita-filled kiddie pool.