Roommate or Neanderthal?

Roommate or Neanderthal?

Morning After

VicesOctober 10, 2012

PROBLEM
Laundry left in the dryer for
ridiculous amounts of time.
If you’re like normal people, you’ve learned the dryer is not a place to store clothes when you’re not wearing them. Your resident primate, however, didn’t get the memo. Isn’t she wondering where her favorite bra is?
Solution: Hide her next left load in the dumpster down the street.

PROBLEM
Bringing weird people home at all hours.
Everyone has friends who come in from out of town and need a place to crash, but not everyone finds new friends at the bar every night who have an apartment but would rather stay up doing drugs at someone else’s place. If your roommate has a habit of making nice with strangers, put a stop to it before your apartment becomes a crash pad for the town’s degenerates. 
Solution: Introduce yourself as a criminal justice major and ask about their “connections.”

PROBLEM
Random piles accumulating
in the apartment.
Nobody likes a neat freak and a little clutter can make a room feel lived in. But when your roommate starts leaving all her climbing gear in the middle of the living room for weeks on end, you’ve got a problem. Common living areas are not places to store personal crap.
Solution: Take pictures of the infringing items, post them for sale on Craigslist and then send her the links. 

PROBLEM
Letting food rot in the fridge.
If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant you know that rot breeds rot. In the case of your roommate, rot apparently isn’t that big of a deal. Here’s how it usually goes: he opens the fridge, takes out an indistinguishable container, smells that it’s bad, then puts it back on the shelf where it sits until you finally take action a week later and throw it out. Don’t tolerate this shit.
Solution: Bag a bunch of overdue items and stash it under a pile of clothes in the back of his closet.

PROBLEM
Putting the dishes away dirty.
We all do dumb shit when we’re drunk sometimes, but not recognizing that a dish is clearly dirty is just plain retarded. How could he not take notice of the ketchup-smeared plate before putting it back in the cupboard? Or the several Frosted Mini Wheats still stuck to the bottom of that bowl?  
Solution: Design a Powerpoint presentation illustrating the difference between clean and dirty, then force him to watch it with his eyeballs pried open like in “A Clockwork Orange.”