Rooster reviewed a bunch of celebrity sex tapes so you don't have to

Rooster reviewed a bunch of celebrity sex tapes so you don't have to

SexFebruary 16, 2014

Countless hours and innumerable computer viruses later; it’s complete: a review of all the celebrity sex tapes that you don’t need a porn subscription to watch. We dissected and scrutinized each film from foreplay to finale, then rated it so you don’t have to. If anything, it'll give you some great talking points to impress your Tinder date later! You can thank us later, you big porn watcher, you.

Kendra Wilkinson and a Goonie

Starts off at 5 out of 5 Roosters, then, well, you'll see...

Kendra Wilkinson, what are you doing not having sex with Hugh Hefner? Her actual sex tape is prefaced by an elaborate dance number in which her stripper past becomes readily apparent, which is distracting and intriguing at the same time, making mush of our little pea-brains. The viewer is certain that whatever action is coming up next is probably going to be good; she’s young in the video and still has natural boobs, and is, as the kids say, a “total hawtie.” She also gives some pretty decent head before climbing on top. Her performance seems near perfect until a sudden change of camera position reveals- wait, who is that man? Who is that? We demand to know who that is. The viewer’s eyes begin to bleed as they focus on what looks like a Goonie crossed with an Ork from Florida who Kendra is, for some unintelligible reason, having sex with. The sheer force of the adrenaline rush from such a heinous discovery not only irrevocably hurtles the film into the “Horror and Gore” genre, but causes the audience to lose their collective boners in one crushing blow. It remains unclear whether she is having sex with this mongoloid in a trailer in exchange for meth, or codeine.

Bam Margera and Then-Girlfriend

1 out of 5 Roosters

If you like your porn to play like a Hitchcock-Dali hybrid set to Persian music, Bam Margera's sex tape is the sex tape for you. It left uswondering why we started a magazine instead of going to film school at a community college for two years, then dropping out to pursue our dream of making horrible sex tapes. The lighting is dim, the film has a grainy, pixelated quality, and the scene is eerily bathed in a sort of unholy light emanating from some faraway lamp. Perhaps the cinematography is an allusion to the grit and sloppiness of sex itself, but the way it’s shot makes it so that the sex they’re having is implied, rather than seen. Sure, there’s humping and general depravity, but you don’t actually see anything, which makes this a film of metaphor, rather than of action. This creates a certain impassable separation from the film for the viewer, one that is ironically mirrored by the massive separation between Bam's then-girlfriend’s tits. If there’s a high point, it’s when she gets it from behind towards the end, when her body doesn’t look half bad and Bam’s head is mercifully out of the frame. However, the viewer is still tormented by the concept that anyone would have sex with Bam Margera; therefore it’s problematic to visualize yourself in his position. Those of you who are prone to fantasy may delight at the doorways this film opens for your imagination, however those of you who need to see something to believe it will surely walk away blue-balled and broken-hearted.

Tila Tequila and Oily Pony Tail Man

2.5 out of 5 Roosters

If there’s anything we learned from Tila Tequila’s sex tape, it’s that she is small enough to fit snugly in a man’s butt. Therefore, if you’re a man or woman with an anal persuasion, you’ll enjoy Tila’s veritable face-cannonball into her partner’s asshole. Another talent of Tila’s worth noting is her illogical, off-putting kissing style that involves 0% lips and 104% pointy, poking tongue, making the film hard to watch, and thus quite provocative. Balls figure prominently into the film, and Tila displays a mastery over them that’s as educational as it is arousing. A substantial portion of the film is dedicated to Oily Ponytail Man’s jackhammer-esque thrusts as he does Tila on the couch in what seems to be some sort of faux-romantic outdoor living room — Tila’s acceptance of such pounding is comforting. Things get dramatic towards the end with a slow motion shot of Oily Pony Tail Man holding Tila and fucking her from behind, a testament to her minute stature and their mutual knowledge of money shots. The slow motion reminds you that the entire session has been building up to this moment, and Tila and Oily Pony Tail man share one final, deeply weird kiss before he comes on her face. Altogether, their positions, speed, and penetrating camera angles (someone else is filming them, it’s no hand-
held Camcorder situation) make it feel much more like a porn than a leaked sex tape. This substantially lessens the intrigue, but nonetheless, Tila’s peculiar talents and horrifying kissing style are...something.

Colin Farrell and 2002 Playboy Model Nicole Narain

4 out of 5 Roosters

“I fucking live on porn!” Colin yells during the opening sequence, before launching into a 13-minute long epic string of compliments that would flatter any woman except Nicole whose intense beauty is only overshadowed by her overwhelming apathy at having sex with Colin Farrell. For us, a major highlight of the film is towards the beginning, when Colin’s penis is full of hair for some reason, and Nicole must pick through it lest it become lodged in her throat during fellatio. The scene shows a convincing depth of connection between the actors; a delicate tenderness which foreshadows passion ahead. “It’s like you’re going fishing for pubes,” Colin tells her in a heated moment. A particularly enjoyable facet of this film is that Colin Farrell, despite being Colin Farrell, cannot believe what is happening to him. Nor can he believe how beautiful she is, nor can we believe his immense propensity for compliments. Not only does he drown her in affection, he also tells her “What Princess wants, Princess fucking gets” and asks her, while she is giving him head, “Where do you see yourself in fifteen...aaaah.” The suspense that this line generates is tangible, and solidifies this sex tape as one of the best examples of why you should mute your computer. Repetition is a theme that plays heavily into Colin’s sex tape, as he mutters the word “beautiful” approximately 143 times. They have vanilla sex for a bit, but when Nicole finally climbs on top in reverse cowgirl, we are perplexed by the tattoo on her lower back; a horseshoe-y thing that mercifully distracts us from Colin’s “beautiful” mantra.  He also eats vagina for “breakfast, lunch and dinner,” so that should give you some idea of what happens in the film.

Farrah Abraham and James Deen

3.5 out of 5 Roosters

In Farrah’s first foray into the world of porn, she proves that things can go inside her vagina just as easily as they come out. We’re talking about her baby. Anyway, her chemistry with James Deen, while sufficiently nauseating, also reveals her childish, “I peaked at 16” nature. We see this most in the first third of the film, which is just them talking and calling each other “butthole.” Unfortunately their terms of endearment are anything but endearing. When she finally figures out how pants work (“Do you know how buttons work?” he asks her), the listless fellatio she performs on James is abruptly interrupted by a burst of action: they’re gonna do anal. However, the subsequent dialogue doesn’t do the storyline justice, as Farrah mutters something like “God, a cock!” as she gets pounded, presumably as promised, in the butt. The close-up of vaginal penetration at the end is a testament to the remarkable resilience of the human anatomy, and we’re left wondering whether the Teen Mom will become an Adult Mom after that romp in the sheets. Suffice it to say, her performance is underwhelming and contrived, but, to her credit, her body is smokin’ hot. James’ patience and remarkable ability to feign interest is cinematic gold, reminding us that good actors, while hard to find, will still accept cash to have sex with Farrah Abraham.