Rooster's office spring break: HR's worst nightmare comes true in these five easy activities

Rooster's office spring break: HR's worst nightmare comes true in these five easy activities

CultureMarch 12, 2014

If you don't have the luxury of spring-breaking this year, fear not because we compiled this tried-and-true guide to throwing an epic office spring break that'll turn your Cancun-bound friends green with envy. And, lucky for you, HR’s worst nightmare now comes in five easy steps.

Espresso body shots

Body shots symbolize the debauchery and irresponsibility that is spring break. You used to live on the edge, chasing impulse and flying by the seat of your pants. Now, you’re tucked away in the corner cubicle eating bologna and yellow mustard on white bread chasing hourly pay and the last glazed donut. Fear not, we have your answer. Fire up the Keurig and relive those moments of impulse and nonconformity. Grab two of the hot, unsuspecting coeds from sales — because we all know sales people used to, or still do, party like rockstars — and begin your foray into black espresso body shots. You’ll feel alive, energetic and most likely a slight heart palpitation as you slurp the Starbuck's Sumatra Dark Blend out of your co-worker’s belly button. Note: Third-degree burns and caffeine hallucinations may or may not occur.

Energy drink coffee-container growlers

Remember the yard from Senor Frogs? When the pina colada or strawberry daiquiri touched your lips, it felt so good. Now you’re ducking below your cubicle wall, rebelliously sipping a 5-Hour Energy in honor of excitement. Fear not, we have your answer. Pack your mini-fridge full of every vein-pumping, heart-attack inducing container of superfluous caffeine both legal and illegal. Next, grab your team members, two coffee pots and a conference room for a team-building exercise. It’s a chug off with 16-ounce energy drinks. Not only will you solve the dilemma of cutting costs by 10 percent and streamlining accounting, you’ll most likely confess your love for a co-worker and strip naked before passing out from caffeine overdose. Talk about a productive day at work.

Dish soap foam party

Deep in the dark confines of Charlie’s night club on South Padre Island a foam party desperately calls your name. Unfortunately, you’re bogged down with endless spreadsheets and mind-numbing TPS reports preventing you from attending the foam festivities. Fear not, we have your answer. Using the large container of dish soap borrowed from the night-cleaning crew, begin filling the bathroom sink with prodigious amounts of soap until about half the sink is caked in Dial Spring Mist. Then turn the water on. As the suds fly and the Pandora app cranks, invite your co-workers in to share in your blissful 30-minute lunch-break moment. Is that a business sock you just saw? Why yes it is. What happens at office spring break, stays at office spring break.

Water-cooler keg stands

You were once feared for you deep throat, beer-bong capabilities. Among the Cancun co-eds and Panama Beach spring breakers you were a God known for shoveling beer down your esophagus like air wasn’t a necessity. Now you’re slamming superfoods in front of the computer conducting “spring break party” searches in Google images. Fear not, we have your answer. Let the interns from accounting hoist you high toward the spout of glory as you uncork the nozzle and let the cold, invigorating H2O from the office water cooler flow down your throat like the beer starlet you are. As the seconds accumulate and the interns begin to praise, give a nice denigrating wink at Doris the secretary, letting her know nobody beats the king, nobody. You still have it kid.

Water-cooler wet T-shirt contest

By far the most celebrated event at any spring-break gathering is the splish, splash wet T-shirt contest that has the men drooling and the feminists fuming. Sadly, the only thing you have to stare at is your growing mid-section and computer monitor. Fear not, we have your answer. First, and in order to keep HR from firing you, invite a number of contestants for this year’s first annual wet T-shirt contest. It can be Michelle from sales or Bob from accounting; just make sure you have a little something for everyone. Next, gather align them by the water cooler. Then undo the four-gallon water jug and douse each contestant like he or she is on fire. Between the hooting and hollering, your boss will inevitably become aware of office spring break, yell at you and subsequently promote you for boosting office moral. Just like the old days, you always come out on top.

Office Essentials:

Pandora spring break station

- There are plenty of stations for inducing a spring-break party atmosphere, but we recommend either beach house station or 2 Chainz. You can’t go wrong with 2 Chainz.

Stress ball Koozies

- Carve out a company promotional stress ball with an X-acto knife until you reach the perfect circumference for your drink to fit snugly within the stress-ball koozie.

Planter beach sand

- Fill a small FedEx box with planter soil and place it beneath your desk for extreme relaxation as you rub the bark bits between your toes for a real-life beach experience.

Stolen lunch buffet

- Brown-bag-lunch name tags mean nothing when your interests are aligned with the group providing a lunch buffet to soak up the caffeine and water using stolen lunches.