Rooster's Weekly Clusterf*ck of News

Rooster's Weekly Clusterf*ck of News

VicesAugust 30, 2013

The news this week was so...newsworthy, that we decided to cram all the top stories into one post in our Weekly Clusterf*ck of News. This post has enough conversation starters and pop culture references to halfway impress your Tinder date tonight, so read on. Let's do this.

1. The world is running out of place to have sex

Emily Craig and Shaun Bowden were arrested after being caught getting it on in a Home Depot display shed. At 8:30 in the morning. Did they not have houses? Cars? Bathrooms? No, because the world's supply of sex spots is rapidly depleting...as evidenced by Miley Cyrus, who tried to have air sex with Robin Thick on stage at the VMA's. That's no place to have sex with Robin Thicke. Come to speak of it...

2. Miley Cyrus this. Miley Cyrus that.

Miley Cyrus is omnipresent. She's everywhere you look. Even everywhere you don't look. She's there when you close your eyes, twerking in the darkest corners of your mind. Every website, every YouTube video, every GIF; they were all plastered with images of her and we all OD'ed on twerking. But, you guys, here's the thing. Miley is neither the first nor last to put on a wild VMA performance. Remember the Britney-Madonna makeout? Of course you do. Christina Aguilera was there too but no one cares about that. And, twerking has been around since before Miley Cyrus was an embryo. So long, that it's encoded into the DNA of animals, who have figured out how to access the internet so we can all twerk as one, collective planet. Our point is that most vertebrates twerk. Bascially, if something is shaking, it's twerking. Miley Cyrus isn't that special. See above.

3. Our Spring Break trip to Syria is totally ruined.

The hotel we will not be staying at this spring.

While Miley jiggled around, Obama has been looking into engaging in drone war with Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. Assad is allegedly behind the chemical attacks on civilians in Damascus last week. Chemical attacks, like this one, are in violation of UN policy. Obama said, in short, "If you guys use chemical weapons, I'm gonna start some shit," and is planning to go through with a drone strike with or without our biggest ally, Britain, who is too busy drinking tea and producing rock and roll legends to help out. Needless to say, we've canceled our plans for Spring Break 2014: Syria.

4. Kittens in the subway tracks make thousands of New Yorkers late to whatever New Yorkers do

Well, what were they supposed to do? Run over the kittens? So the subway could be haunted by kitten ghosts for the rest of time? No.

5. All the nerds are moving away. Finally.

New data compiled by nerd super-group American Society for Biochemisty and Molecular Biology shows that 20% of American scientists are contemplating moving overseas due to the budget cuts sequestration imposes on their projects. The poor funding climate makes grant money really f-ing hard to get, even though researchers are spending considerably more time writing grants. The data sheds light on how sequestration has affected scientific innovation. That means nerd playtime is over: no curing diseases, no figuring how out to control brains through the internet, no building robots that tell jokes, no nothin'. But you know what else that means? We'll have so much more space for activities.

6. The DOJ says "whatever" to weed

Eric Holder and the Department of Justice gave the green light to Colorado and Washington to legalize marijuana. Both states can now proceed with establishing legislation around taxation and regulation of marijuana. The decision indicates a step back from the decades-long drug war, as well as the possibility for federal legalization in the future. They're basically saying marijuana isn't that big of a deal and there are bigger issues out there.  For instance, whether we should start stockpiling Nacho Cheese or Cooler Ranch Doritos, or even #7...

7. Men aren't as thrilling as they used to be

New research from the University of St. Andrews revealed that the desire for thrill and adventure has decreased in the modern man. Men are less likely to participate in activities that pose a physical risk. So un-Jackass. Researchers think it's because men are less fit then they used to be. We think it's because they're having a great time not dying; the average life expectancy for American men has increased by 11 years since 1950.

8. Sean Kingston is being sued for gang rape

Sean Kingston says "L8TR" to his career.

Everyone's seventh-favorite, cuddly Jamaican guy with a high-pitched voice who sings some songs we can't remember the names of, is being sued over the 2010 gang rape of Carissa Capeloto. Allegedly, Carissa was invited back to Sean's hotel room after a meet-and-greet with Justin Bieber. When she got there, Sean was laying naked on the bed...because that's a great way to initiate sex...and was forced to have sex with him, his bodyguard, and a member of Sean's band. Carissa is asking for 5 million dollars, minimum, in damages. You go, girl. We're pretty pissed at Sean, but let's just say that the whole gang rape thing won't be the only thing that damages his career...have you heard his music? That shit is busted.