This is the second pizza-screwing story this week, and we're getting worried about you people
Okay, so last week, we posted a story about a dude who yelled at Domino's over Twitter because he burnt his dick fucking a pizza they delivered to them. It was hilarious, but we thought it would be a one-time thing. We thought our reporting of pizza-fucking would end there.
But no. This week, we regretfully bring you the second pizza fucking story to happen within a seven-day time span.
We are getting seriously worried about you people. And about our jobs! We mean, if all we write about is pizza, our editor is going to come down on us, and we mean hard.
But that's a risk we're willing to take. So, now, we bring you the story of the kid who got suspended from Vine for having sex with a Hot Pocket.
"I would definitely recommend it," VERSACEPOCKETS, the alleged Hot Pocket violator said when asked if he would suggest that other people put their penises in food.
VERSACEPOCKETS first entered the public eye when he posted a video of him having sex with some Pop Tarts on Twitter, and was suspended shortly after. To be fair, the Pop Tarts were the brown sugar kind, which everyone knows is irresistible ... to penises.
He quickly followed up that lovemaking session with another video he posted on Vine, showing him having sexual relations with a yeast-tube filled with scorching hot meat jelly and cheese. The explicit footage got him banned from Twitter and Vine, and blocked by the official @hotpockets Twitter account, but he's got no regrets.
"I'd recommend fuckin' a Hot Pocket probably. It wasn't bad. It's messy, though," he told the press after news of his penis antics surfaced. But to his credit, VERSACEPOCKETS is totally down for safe sex and always makes sure to bag it up before squishing around in a bunch of pepperoni and cheese. "Ah shit, dude," he said. "I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, "Dude, I'm gonna have to use a condom if I'm gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket." He's a good kid at heart.
And when he's not inserting his most valuable organ into the planet's most value-less food items, he ... wait for it ... works the grill at a seafood place! But before you start grabbing at your fish chastity belts and seafood spermicides, feel the supreme, calming comfort of knowing that VERSACEPOCKETS rates the food at his restaurant as "would not bang."
We don't know if humanity is becoming more depraved or if pizza just grew up right before our eyes and became the sexy young coquette we always hoped it was, but either way, this trend has got to stop.