Semen’s nutrition facts are proof it belongs on the South Beach diet

Semen’s nutrition facts are proof it belongs on the South Beach diet

CultureApril 12, 2018 By Lindsey Kline

Semen can end up in all sorts of strange places. In the backseat of the car, on the kitchen counter, or in any or all of a partner’s orifices. When jizz ends up in someone’s mouth, they need to make a split decision — spit or swallow?

But the choice doesn’t have to be an uninformed one. It’s only natural to wonder what’s in the goo you’re forcing down your gullet. Thankfully, there’s semen science for that. There’s even semen nutritional information.

Here are the nutrition facts for a cup of cum — eight ounces.

A typical load is two to five milliliters of fluid. So a cup is perhaps 70 spurts. That's not a normal serving size for anyone except your mom.

As for the weight-watchers, one standard load only contains one to two calories. So unless you’re swallowing 70 loads at a time, splooge isn’t going to affect your dietary health. Of course, this is possible if you ever plan to be involved in a record-breaking bukkake scene (the current American record is at 122 cumshots).

As far as protein, men can stop acting like they're semen dieticians, advising girls to get their protein by gobbling goo. One lump has less than half a gram of protein. A single nut has more than a single nut does.

But a load of baby gravy is much more than a puddle of little swimmers. In fact, sperm cells make up less than one percent of semen. Cum is chock full of amino acids, sugar, vitamins and minerals, and because it’s mostly water, it’s refreshing and hydrating. Best of all, it has zero fat, so you can indulge without ruining your South Beach diet.

Some perverts have even made cookbooks and cocktail recipes incorporating semen as an ingredient. In the classic cookbook, “Natural Harvest: a collection of semen-based recipes,” splooge is included to add dynamic texture and taste to delicacies like Slightly Saltier Caviar, the Macho Mojito, and Cum Creme Caramel.

The taste of jizz varies widely. Some say the alkaline qualities make it taste predominantly bitter. Others pick up on the sugars, like fructose and glucose, and perceive a sweet flavor. Its high zinc content supports claims of a metallic taste. Then, there’s the common impression of a salty taste, earning splooge its title as a “salty surprise.”

It is possible to alter the flavor of your sex nectar by making changes to your diet. Some experts recommend eating less meat or consuming more cinnamon, lemon or green tea. It’s also widely believed that pineapple is so effective at changing cum flavor it can practically turn a penis into a pina colada dispenser.

The only way to know for sure what works for each unique person is trial and error. Track your diet, along with changes in the flavor of your jizzum. If a partner isn’t willing to take notes on their experience, the man can always sample the splooge for himself.

There are tons of myths about the health benefits of semen, including that it’s an effective teeth whitener, a healthy nutritional supplement, or if smeared all over the face (ie. a facial), a brilliant skin clarifier. These claims are generally all bullshit, perpetuated by young men attempting to convince young women to swallow their foul spunk in stride. Sorry dudes, but the deception ends here.