Seven everyday things that can kill you if you don't watch the hell out, son

Seven everyday things that can kill you if you don't watch the hell out, son

VicesMarch 31, 2014

These days, cancer can kill you. A car accident can kill you. Hell, even OJ Simpson can kill you. But in this world of ever-increasing threats to your life, you might be surprised to know that the most dangerous stuff is the everyday stuff that you don't even think about. That's why we compiled this handy dandy list of things that'll get you good if you don't watch out for them. So sit back, try not to relax, and have your anxiety therapist on speed dial because shit's about to get treacherous.

1. Not getting a third-degree sunburn

Doctors, nervous mothers, and Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs have been telling us to rub the suntan lotion on our skin ever since we can remember, which makes sense, considering the whole "you'll get skin cancer and die if you don't" thing. But, while sunscreen can help you ward off death by skin cancer, it can welcome death by Vitamin D deficiency with open arms.

Here's why: sunscreen keeps UV rays from the sun off your skin, but you need UV rays for the chemical reaction that creates natural Vitamin D in your body. Vitamin D, which, much to our disappointment does not stand for Vitamin "Dick", is a wonder-vtiamin that  helps maintain healthy bones, promotes a balanced immune system, wards off depression, and fights HIV. It also eats cancer cells. Naturally, people with Vitamin D deficiencies get sick more often; it's estimated that 25% of breast cancer cases are related to inadequate Vitamin D levels.

Also, in case that wasn't jarring enough, the chemicals and free-radicals in sunscreen can cause cancer on their own ... and affect penis size. Translation? Let yourself burn to a crisp in the sun every once and a while.

2. Your stripper heels

Your six-inch Jimmy Choo's may make your legs look like a million bucks, but wearing them is pretty much like slipping two identical Grim Reapers onto your feet. The unnatural angle that heels force your feet into causes a shit-storm of problems for your bod, our favorite being that they cause your Achilles's tendon to shorten dramatically. Not only does that shorten your calf, turning you into a disproportionate mongoloid, it makes walking on a flat surface or wearing flat shoes excruciating.

Other wonderful side effects of heels include the generation of new bones that exist only to keep your foot in the arched heel position, bone spurs, hammer toes, nasty-ass in-grown toenails, pelvic misalignment, spinal compression, fractures, and arthritis. So next time you feel like slipping your feet into a pair of these death traps, remember that wearing heels fools exactly no one into thinking you're tall.

3. Smiling and happiness

Turns out being happy isn't all sunshine and butterflies ... it's more like poop and death. That's because data from the Longevity Study reveals that happiness is actually a risk to your health. Finally! Some news that'll put those unshakeable optimists in their place.

The study, which has followed over 1,500 participants since 1921, found that happy, smiley doofuses actually die earlier than their more rationally pessimistic counterparts. That's because happiness breeds optimism, and optimism leads to increased risk-taking behavior, unhealthy eating, and higher drug and alcohol use. However pessimists, who are pretty sure they could die any second, are less likely than optimists to skydive into a McDonald's while tripping on acid, meaning their piss pour attitude can actually be protective for them. So instead of "turning that frown upside-down," as our dentist is so fond of telling us right before he plugs in the cavity drill, keep it where it is if you want to live.

4. Not getting wasted on tequila

Turns out tequila is good for a lot more than equipping you with the balls to take down that sea-cow at the bar. In moderation, it's better for you than a salad laced with Vitamin C and hugs. Tequila can help with weight loss, regulating blood sugar and pressure, lowering cholesterol, and decreasing the risk of developing dementia and diabetes. So if you're not slamming a few shots before dinner every day, you're pretty much signing your own death certificate.

5. Being a nice, sexually-responsible angel

Your resistance to sluthood isn't doing any more for you than your Christian Mingle profile is. "Fuck more, live longer" is basically what research says when it comes to how sex influences life span, as evidenced by a recent Duke University study which found that women with enjoyable sex lives lived an average of eight years longer. Another study found that men who reported a higher frequency of orgasms had a 50% reduction in mortality. So if you want to live to see you 80th birthday, it'll probably benefit you to plan that "Eyes Wide Shut" leather-daddy orgy party you've always dreamed of.

6. Having a truly transcendant poop

We all know crapping is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Although it seems like man's most favorite activity, it can be a death-trap when executed poorly. A particularly enthusiastic shit can diverticultis, hemorrhoids, and even rectal prolapse, all of which can kill you given the presence of opportunisitic bacteria or blood vessel explosion. Luckily, you can avoid this fate by never, ever pooping again ... or just doing it gently, with panache.

7. Coconuts. Coconuts, people.

Rounding out our list of everyday things that can end you, we have a fuzzy, delicious fruit that would save your life if you were trapped on a desert island, but would also murder you in your sleep given the chance. Every year, about 150 people die from injuries sustained by coconuts. All the more reason to eat nothing but pizza bagels from now on.