Sexting takes skill, don't f*ck it up.
Just 10 years ago, when Brick Breaker and Snake were the tits, texting was considered a novelty and a privilege. Jump to 2013: texting is unlimited, blasé and second nature—and our romantic relationships would be incomplete without it. Here are some things to remember and things to avoid when texting your latest flame.
Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That
Gentlemen, this is plain and simple. Ask questions. Ladies love attention. If you’re trying to hook up with this broad, please make it obvious. Just like you lot, girls can be oblivious, too (or they pretend to be). Despite the fact that women can be manipulative bitches, you know you love them, you want to go on a horizontal run with them, you want to make this a year to remember. So sack up, and start a conversation with this girl. She’s not going to come through the phone as some poltergeist, so come on, be a man. Live a little. Ask questions to ease her into the conversation so she doesn’t think you’re totally desperate, and then you can begin the dirty texting foreplay.
Cool Your Jets
“Hi! Oh my day was just awesome. I woke up and went to class. My professor was seriously annoying today, he like threw this pop quiz and basically everyone bombed it. Such crap, can you believe it? Oh and then after class I went to the gym and took a yoga class. How about you?!”
For the love of God ladies, simmer the fuck down. You all know you’ve sent a message like this. Ladies over-analyze, exaggerate and describe every detail. For the sake of hooking up, minimize the amount of wordage you are throwing out there in a text to a potential sheet player. You know a dude doesn’t want to read a four-page text talking about what happened at work, the gym or school. He doesn’t give a shit. No matter what the subject, no dude you’re potentially trying to hit it with—nor even a dude you’ve been dating for three years—is ever going to be interested in your blah blah blah.
Lay Off The Fillers
Sure, it’s OK to use “haha” or “lol” in a text when you are in fact laughing at yourself or the other person’s remarks. But if you are silently typing “haha” or “lol” and you’re actually not finding anything funny about the current conversation, then why are you doing it? This is what we call a text filler. If the person you’re interested in says, “What is your biggest turn on?” and you respond with “haha blank blank blank...”, he or she is not going to take your answer seriously. A text can, in fact, be well thought out and appreciated without your fake laughter. Fillers create confusion and an image of stupidity.
Whoever invented the shortened version of a two-letter word is the laziest motherfucker on the planet. “K” is not a word, end of story. If you’re going to simply write back “ok,” then write it out like a human being. The person you’re trying to communicate with is not trying to learn the alphabet. “K,” sounds like “kay,” which sounds like a word that a bimbo would use. Seeing as texting is highly intelligent in the first place, the last thing you want is to sound like a dumbass when your go-to response is a single letter. Like tying a sweatshirt around your hips in 5th grade, the use of “K” is a thing of the past.
Thanks to the 21st century, we have iPhones and Androids that have been blessed with an app called “Snapchat.” For those that do not know, we now have the capability to send dirty pictures to our friends for an allotted amount of time (1-10 seconds). Once those seconds run dry, the picture is gone forever. Another blessing that is included in Snapchat is that you are notified if someone takes a screenshot of your raunchy picture. That’s right, perverts! There is no such thing as an “accidental” screenshot. Snapchat is the newfound sext. It’s a perfect way to show some skin, but maybe just for three seconds? Two seconds? All up to the snapper. With that being said, we now have the combination of texting, sexting and a few snapchats on the side. You’re batshit crazy if you say that the process of hooking up is lacking spontaneity. Get snapping folks—it’s saucy, mysterious and sickeningly dirty. What more could you want?