Signs You Might Be Watching Too Much Porn

Signs You Might Be Watching Too Much Porn

SexAugust 16, 2013

Pornography is one of mankind’s greatest creations, but they say everything’s better in moderation. They are correct. Too much water and you’ll drown, too much alcohol and you’ll die a lonely death, and too much money and you’ll become a narcissistic asshole, which, according to “them,” is a bad thing. Drawing the line between too much and just enough is an acquired skill. If you find yourself in any of the following scenarios, you may have crossed the line from a healthy amount of porn to intervention time.

Scenario 1: Share Carefully
“Hey, can I check something on the Internet for a second?”
“Oh, yeah, for sure.” (grabs computer) “What site you looking for?” That’s right, only you are allowed to type anything into that damned predictive address field. It knows you too well, and if someone were to need Pandora.com, or some other site beginning in P, O, R, N or another telling letter (which, for you, may be all of them), your charade is over. This problem also implies you’ve yet to figure out the private mode in your browser of choice. Shame on you.

Scenario 2: Alternate Reality
Every time you go to the mall, order a pizza, teach a class, do a casting call, or get pulled over, you fully expect it to turn into the raunchiest, hottest, hardcore scream-fest ever seen. Regardless of your prior plans, you’re prepared for the sexiest person you see to naturally rip his or her clothes off for you, get down and then invite friends. Because that really happens.

Scenario 3: Socially Inclined
You see a porno, like an actress, and immediately follow it on as many social media outlets as possible. You then proceed to interact daily with the star or starlet leading him or her to know you a bit too well. It doesn’t matter if you’re following Bibi Jones or Johnny Hazzard on Twitter, at some point you’re going to have to find real friends. It’s true not everyone loves posting naked pictures of himself on the Internet — though at times, those pictures are quite refreshing — but come on, go outside and try some people watching; it’s much more satisfying.

Scenario 4: Organized Filth
Everyone remembers dad’s box ‘o porn, filled with videocassettes, porn mags and the like. After all, it’s probably what started your situation. You’ve graduated to the modern era. You have a collection of one-terabyte external hard drives packed with your favorite collections of videos and pictures, all pornographic in nature. Each hard drive is filled with and named after a favorite genre. You’ve got amateur, BDSM, compilation, MILF and your favorite, blowjob. Just make sure no one sees that “other” drive during intervention. People may think differently of you.

Scenario 5: Déjà Vu
While watching a new porno by your favorite producer, you say to yourself, “I know that set! They used it in ‘American Cream Pie’ and ‘A Clockwork Orgy!’” You then continue watching a bit disappointed they’re reusing the same set while at the same time secretly impressed you noticed. This is not OK. What’s most disturbing is you’ve noticed any set of any porno repeatedly. One would think there are more prominent behaviors penetrating your visual awareness.

Scenario 6: Carnal Confusion
After seeing a video on YouTube, you attempt to share it with your friends by informing them they should check out YouPorn for that awesome video of Arya Stark reacting to the Red Wedding in “Game of Thrones.” Later, after finding a rogue rash on yourself, you tell your friends you’re all good because you checked out the injury on PornMD, and it said the rash should subside in a day or so. Enough is enough.

Scenario 7a: Instant Identification
You often exclaim, “I know that boob/penis/vagina/ass!” Not only have you seen it before, but also you can name the porn star instantly based solely on a stray vein, flap, curve or tattoo. You’re porn star recognition skills are rivaled only by Tiger Woods —although it’s not quite the same because he’s actually slept with them all — and you often dream porn stars had modular parts that could be put together to create the ultimate sex star, which may actually be possible some day.

Scenario 7b: Perfect Practice
The real reason you can identify a porn star parts so quickly is because you own most of their toy replicas. Whether it’s your Sasha Grey Deepthroat Pocket Pal, Johnny Holmes Realistic Dildo, or your Katie Morgan Cyberskin Pussy, you’ve practiced with and investigated the pieces enough to trigger instant recall whenever the right part presents itself. 

Scenario 8: Monkey See
Here’s where it gets serious. You’re awful at sex. Porn may be good for spice-up ideas, but when it cu- sorry, comes down to it, real sex is not like porn. Real sex is more nuanced, engages all of the senses in multiple ways, requires clear communication, and among other differences, isn’t so focused on a guy cumming into/onto an orifice. If you’re looking for education, find an experienced partner, sex book or something else as 99 percent of porn lacks educational value.

Scenario 9: Up the Ante
While watching your favorite show on CBS a couple starts hooking up, suddenly a door closes, and they cut to another scene not in the bedroom, leaving you befuddled by the idea of not seeing some hardcore action. What? Not every make out session on your TV  leads to hardcore anal? Nooope. That cut-out scene you’re looking for won’t even be in the special edition Blu-Ray. That is, in fact, how most TV works. So get used to it, because porn’s getting cut out of your TV diet.

Scenario 10: Pay Up
This is a simple scenario. You pay for porn; ergo you watch too much porn. With the massive amount of free porn sites on the Internet, you’ve decided it’d be a valuable investment to pay for high-quality porn. Unless that Reality Kings subscription was a gag gift your buddy gave you for your last birthday, or you have large amounts of disposable income (in which case, as we’ve learned, you’re a narcissistic asshole) you’re in need of a porn intervention. Don’t take this the wrong way, porn is great and all, but take your hard-earned cash, put it in a piggy bank, and save up for an nice prostitute in Reno or a lady boy in Bangkok.