Snortable powdered alcohol is coming to a nose near you
Great news for alcoholics! The immaculate virgin territory that is your sinuses is about to become shamelessly deflowered by a new type of product that renders the odious task of bathing your tastebuds in booze obsolete: powered alcohol.
Introducing Palcohol! It's booze that bypasses your stomach and goes straight to work devouring your soft palate. No more puking, no more stomach ulcers. Just pure, unadulterated drunkenness with a side of eroded septum.
That's right, Palcohol! Although originally intended to function like Tang, wherein you just mix it in some water to create a cocktail, it also can be sprinkled onto food, snorted, or just straight up shot into your brachial artery.
It comes in four, delectable flavors that you'll likely overlook as it shoots through your nasal cavity to your olfactory cortex as you inhale it off a hooker's ass: mojito, margarita, lemon drop, and cosmopolitan.
The Palcohol website claims the miracle substance can be used for all sorts of miraculous miracles of getting drunk. Take, for instance, the problem of overpriced stadium drinks. With Palcohol, you can turn that overpriced stadium water into a mojito!
What's worse than going to a concert, sporting event, etc. and having to pay $10, $15, $20 for a mixed drink with tax and tip. Are you kidding me?! Take Palcohol into the venue and enjoy a mixed drink for a fraction of the cost.
Or, snort it and skip the water part! Water is for pussies and organisms that breath water, like turtles.
But, in the event that years of cocaine or Pixie Stick use has eroded your septum, Palcohol make it easy to get wasted without the use of your nose as well:
We've been talking about drinks so far. But we have found adding Palcohol to food is so much fun. Sprinkle Palcohol on almost any dish and give it an extra kick. Some of our favorites are the Kamikaze in guacamole, Rum on a BBQ sandwich, Cosmo on a salad and Vodka on eggs in the morning to start your day off right. Experiment. Palcohol is great on so many foods. Remember, you have to add Palcohol AFTER a dish is cooked as the alcohol will burn off if you cook with it...and that defeats the whole purpose.
It's hard to believe that the government approved such a fun, easily snortable substance for civilian use, but what can we say. We're looking forward to the day when we can stop guzzling Four Loko to look cool in front of our homies G-Dawg and T-Money and get back to what really matters: snorting margaritas to look cool in front of our homies G-Dawg and T-Money.