Squirrel-gate: Police officer fired after he uses every ounce of his being to obliterate neighborhood squirrel

Squirrel-gate: Police officer fired after he uses every ounce of his being to obliterate neighborhood squirrel

VicesOctober 22, 2013

The squirrel, who shall be known henceforth as Squirrel Rodney King, was the victim of a Tennessee police officer's wrath last month. Rodney got stuck in the neighborhood Dollar General Store, and Animal Control was called to extract him from the premises. However, when Animal Control didn't respond, police officer Jody Putnam took matters in his own hands. There would be no squirrels stopping people from taking advantage of the crazy deals at the Dollar Store that night.

Witness accounts differ on exactly what took place shortly after, but it seems as though Officer Jody summoned some righteous, god-given squirrel killing inclination from somewhere deep within him. He pulled a gun on the squirrel, who was probably just there to get some dollar condoms, and fired at the beast three times. 

But Jody's aim wasn't true. Years of police training proved useless as bullet after bullet whizzed past the the squirrel. In what were assuming resembled the scene from The Matrix.

That's when Jody decided to kick things up a notch with a little round of chemical warfare. He reached for his can of mace.

Within a matter of minutes, Jody mace-gassed the entire Dollar Store, causing customers to run screaming from the building. Chaos descended upon the area. But Jody didn't care; he had a one-track-murder-mind and as far as he was concerned, he wasn't going to let a little mace stand in the way of squirrel slaughter. He stayed in the store, macing the squirrel (and himself) repeatedly until customers standing outside the store heard the final "scream of the squirrel."

When the customers reentered the store, their eyes were met with the chilling image of Angel of Death Jody standing in a cloud of mace, the neck of the dead squirrel pinned beneath his standard-issue shoe. Police brutality had never been so brutal.

Short story shorter, Jody was canned. Remember how he fired a bunch of shots in the store while the customers were still inside? He also refused to file a report about the incident...Yeah. 

RIP, Rodney.