The subtle art of bumming a cigarette when you're drunk
Ever notice a deep-seeded craving for a quick fix? Maybe not always, but definitely when you drink?
The science behind both is a telling reason why. Alcohol is a depressant, even though it sometimes gives you a momentary elation and giddiness when overdoing it. In the long run, alcohol doesn’t make an individual happier.
On the other hand, cigarettes are a stimulant. They mimic the same reactions your body has with caffeine. Since nicotine is extremely addictive, your body adapts to the drug creating a sense of urgency for more — thus acquiring a withdrawn feeling disguised by relaxation. When alcohol and cigarettes work together, they both decrease dopamine levels and release stress-related hormones.
It’s a momentary high, not a long lasting one. Your body desires a higher input of both in hopes to make up for the lack of depleted dopamine. It’s almost like separating two misbehaved kids. When they’re apart, they behave the way you expect them to, but when they’re together, they work against the rules in unison.
Yet outside of every bad thing we know about alcohol and cigarettes, people still really like them. And often, will imbibe on one only when they’re inebriated on the other as a type of reward. But keep in mind, bumming cigarettes is an art; some might say a lost one. And things can go horribly wrong in the process.
“One time I got rejected. The guy was older and apparently ‘back in the day’ cigarettes costed nothing. He flat out told me, ‘no pay, no gain.’ I was like ‘buddy, back in your day the phrase was and still is ‘no pain, no gain.’ He was a mean old bat. I was so embarrassed. I ended up offering a dollar to the next person I asked, as if cigs were my charity fundraiser.”
“I was the one being asked for the cigarettes all the time. I got so fed up with it, I started just going to the club and flat out selling my cigs for a dollar each for profit. It was such a smart idea, until the cops bitched at me for unsolicited business or some shit.”
“A few years ago, I drunkenly spilled my drink on the pack when the guy pulled it out. Yep. Gone were the days I ever asked someone for a cig again.”
“I asked a homeless man if I can ‘bum a cig,’ and he started yelling at me thinking I called him a bum. I was going to explain myself and the realized how not worth it that would be.”
“I went up to a guy for a friend that wanted a cigarette. I was drunk and being a good wing-woman. I hate the smell and can’t stand cigarettes. Well, the guy didn’t know I was behind him, turned around, and blew the smoke out right in my face. I nearly fell to the floor in a cough attack.”
Though if you’re still in the mood to get after it, there are a few steps to keep in mind while hunting.
Step 1: The Walk
Stumbling while drinking is inevitable, but the key here is to be cool. Make subtle eye-contact with the potential giver. You can tell the angry smokers vs. the smokers who are taking their smoke break all in their body language. If they look like they would crawl on the floor for that last cig if they had to, maybe they aren’t the ones to ask. If they’re just leaning and quietly hanging out … bingo.
Step 2: The Nervous Smile
You know that cutesy smile girls make when they are nervous? And that unsure smile a boy makes when he knows what he wants to say but doesn’t know if he should? Yeah. Do that. Play up that damsel — or damsdude — in distress.
Step 3: Popping the Question
Get down on one knee and reach into your pocket as if … just kidding. Simply ask. Don’t waste their time, because quite frankly, no one ever likes a drunk demanding a fix anyways. Keep that smile, and say, “Hey, I’m so sorry to ask, but would you mind if I bummed a cigarette from you?”
Step 4: Ask For A Light
You’re drunk and don’t smoke. It was bound to come to this.
Either way, if you’re drinking and/or smoking, please do so with care. And if you’re asking for just a quick fix, make sure to craft your art wisely.