Summer of love or summer of crumpled tissues? Your Hookup Horoscope knows.

Summer of love or summer of crumpled tissues? Your Hookup Horoscope knows.

SexJune 02, 2017

The oracle demands more oral-cle.

Capricorn

For someone who is so irrationally picky about the people you make mediocre, semi-passionate love to, you’re pretty open-minded about experimenting with them once you’ve run the requisite background checks. However, since you’re stoic and Type A, they might wrongly assume you’re too bland to share their fantasies with. LOL at that. They clearly haven’t seen that one folder on your desktop yet. Leave it open for them to see and watch sparks fly.

Aquarius

One of your best qualities is that you don’t really get sick of people. You can spend infinity-time with your partner without souring the feelings, which is cute and all, but ... it really cuts into your masturbation. It’s important you have some time to yourself in June, as the planets of self-discovery give you an opportunity to improve via self-exploration. So, take time off to fuck yourself, and you’ll only be better at fucking others.

Pisces

You absolutely hate being the first one to make a move, but this month, Leo in your seventh house gives you the burst of confidence you need to go forth and conquer. Suddenly, you find yourself unencumbered by ego, something that other people will eat right up like a big plate of mama’s spaghetti. Just be careful you’re not being too forward, you might give people the wrong impression about what you actually want from them.

Aries

Your sexually explorative nature will come in handy this June when coming across a situation that requires a great deal of trust and planning. Whether it’s a BDSM scene or a bout of public sex — where one wrong move could land you in Sex Offender Purgatory — make sure you work out exactly what you’ll be doing. You have a lot of air in your chart right now, so the discussion should be the easy part.

Taurus

If you’re feeling lonely right now Taurus, that’s probably just Pluto in your first house making you feel isolated and misunderstood. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you don’t feel like you have the social support needed to be confident — it’s really killing your vibe. Never fear, your natal Earth progresses into lively Aries later this month, a transition that’ll make it clear it’s not others isolating you, it’s yourself. This is temporary! Also, try butt sex.

Gemini

This June, it’s out with the old and in with the new. Let go of any old habits or sex toys that are holding you back from reaching true sexual potential. Doing this will make you feel much more grounded and calm. Once you do, it’ll be a lot easier to find someone to indulge that “I’m a little baby and you’re my big strong daddy” thing you won’t shut the fuck up about.

Cancer

Want to try something new this month? Use music to enhance your sex life. Because you’re so empathetic, sensitive and arty, your mood and physical state are much more capable of being influenced by the crescendos and falls of music than others. Try playing a song you really connect with during sex or putting in earphones as someone goes down on you. The sensory overload could be really god dang diddly good.

Leo

Because you’re possessive, you tend to be friends with a lot of your exes. Thing is, you are because you still want them and think of them as yours … not because you’re genuinely interested in friendship. Thankfully this month, it’ll come to light that you’ve got a friend-ex who feels the same way about you. Use your detective powers to deduce which one, then send us a Thank You card for the explosive, passionate sex.

Virgo

Being one of the more intellectual signs in the zodiac, you love to dissect and discuss all angles of sexuality. This month, put that critical thinking prowess to good use by using it to slowly and painstakingly tease whoever you’re fucking over text. Sext them exactly what you’re going to do to them and what the result will be. They’ll feel like they’re in good hands with you, and you’ll feel their butt.

Libra

This month, Mercury in your third house makes you particularly adept at identifying any sex problems; you’ll finally be able to put into words what’s been missing. Your sudden increase in communication could lead to some very steamy-filthy things. If you’re single, take this new you out for a spin by telling your fuck appointments exactly what you’re looking for immediately. You’ll scare off half of them, but, you don’t have time for busters anyway.

Scorpio

Because you’re so prone to mood swings and brooding spells, you’re often horny for older, more stable individuals who have the life experiences to deal with the hurricane of poop you throw at them. Thing is, you just weren’t prepared for how much older you could go. This month, the stars wouldn’t be surprised if you woke up next to a pair of dentures and a “Do Not Resuscitate” pin. Life doesn’t stop after 50, apparently.

Sagittarius

Has anyone seen your sex drive? You seem to have lost it. While horny Mars typically inhabits the part of your chart that gives you such a legendary libido, it’s elsewhere this month, leaving you high and dry. What would really help is seducing a stranger or 10 to feed your own flaccid self-confidence. But what would help even more is realizing that feeling sexy enough is your job, not that of your bitch list.