A tantric sex surrogate explains how to increase intimacy for more powerful orgasms
In the vast and Cosmo-flavored world of sex tips, there's an overabundance of technical advice in circulation.
Touch her g-spot like so. Try the corkscrew blowjob. Put a pillow under your ass.
That kind of stuff.
Yet, there's next to nothing out there that offers advice on how to build the intimacy that makes those techniques actually work. After all, you can only trace the alphabet on someone's prostate so well without the viable emotional connection that makes it really fucking good ... regardless of how fleeting that connection may be.
That's a problem that Mare Simone solves every day in her practice. Simone is a certified tantric educator, sex surrogate and author who helps men and women learn to clear emotional and physical sexual blocks and view sex as an empowering, helpful tool. Part of that work includes instructing couples and individuals on how to build and maintain intimacy during sex, partially because the ability to create intimacy leads to greater confidence, and partially because more powerful orgasms happen from what she describes as a more "open, vulnerable state."
Never ones to shy away from anything that makes us come more professionally, we asked her for some tips on how to create the intimate connection that primes us for a better bang.
Become a pro at eye contact
"I love to start couples facing each other, sitting up," Simone says. "I have them talk about what they love about each other, what they'd love more of, and what they'd love to experience with each other (like a fantasy or a desire) ... all while looking into each other's eyes and breathing those words in. When you maintain eye contact while talking about sexual desires, it really builds intimacy before the touch, which makes the actual touch more powerful when it does happen. Sometimes when you verbalize what you love or need, it can feel vulnerable or naked. But, it allows you to become open and let love, pleasure and acknowledgement in. That makes for really great sex."
She also recommends incorporating eye contact into actual sex as well.
"Anytime you touch, touch with eye contact. Make love with your eyes open. It's so rich ... it feels like you're diving deep into this pool and not shutting your eyes because you're afraid of what's at the bottom," she adds.
But, it's not like you have to keep your peepers wrenched open A Clockwork Orange-style; she fully acknowledges that there are times when it feels right to close them and sink into pleasure. In general though, she explains that the more eyes-open you are, the more connected you can be and the more powerful orgasms you can have.
"There's a penetration of sorts that happens with eye contact," she says. "And it can be really intense when you're also having sex — it's like you're being penetrated from both sides."
Experiment with face and hand caressing
"This, to me is one of the most beautiful things," Simone says. "I love hand holding, hand touching, those sort of things. And sometimes when someone touches my face, it just feels so warm and giggly and sweet, like it activates some part of my inner child. That in itself is opening."
One of the best positions she recommends for hand stuff is to have one partner place their hand downwards, and the other placing theirs upwards on top so they can feel the polar opposite of the other person. Then, from there, Simone suggests you play around with movement in your hands and fingers by stroking each other's palms, wrists and fingertips. Even though doing this is nonverbal, Simone says it can help couples explore a lot of communication and sensation with each other; something that also works to build sexual tension and make each person feel more connected.
Long, caressing strokes to build tension
Simone is a big advocate of the long, slow, delicate stroke.
"Have one person put their hands up and receive their partner's touch, while the other caresses their body. Start slowly at their face and, then make your way down the sides of their arms to their chest, finally finishing at their fingertips. Then, with permission, caress their breasts (if they have them), coming down across their stomach to their inner thighs.
Making these long, caressing strokes connects the body to the mind, which makes it much more emotional-feeling," she says. "That's where you become really open and the sex becomes really good. When you do this, you become vulnerable, so there's no real game playing or social scripting of traditionally "sexy" roles. It's just what you mean and what you feel."
Do a little dance
On the more erotic end of the spectrum, Simone recommends you build tension and intimacy by dancing for your partner. It can be a sitting dance, or one standing up; a stripping thing or a more conservative one — whatever feels comfortable and gives your partner a display of your body. Of course, maintaining eye contact during the deed can make it that much more powerful.
If you crack up, you crack up. Try not to — we double dog dare you. Even if it's the more masculine doing the dancing, Simone says the humor of it can cut through to the more relaxed, vulnerable place that makes the body more open for intimacy.
Moan together, in sync
"This can be immense if you can actually harmonize your orgasms," Simone says. "But even if you can't, sharing the same breath and sound intensifies things a lot. In tantra, energy moves on sound, so you double the energy when you sound together."
That's not to say that spontaneously moaning when your partner does will make you come or make the sex revolutionary ... it's more about doing it when it feels natural to. But, like all forms of breathing exercises, it does really place you in the moment. It's hard to think about their sweaty, lumbering man boobs or the curious way your dad tries to tell you he loves you when you're synchronizing your breath with someone while they squirt on your showiest throw pillows.