There's a new marijuana crime fighter in town, and his name is Nasal Ranger

There's a new marijuana crime fighter in town, and his name is Nasal Ranger

VicesNovember 12, 2013

The Denver Metro area. By day, it's a sunny utopia of schoolchildren playing, businessmen conducting business, and mother's cooking up somethin' good. But by night, it's a seething cesspool of sin. When the sun sets, that's when the criminals come out to play. As shadows befall the urban landscape, stoners start to creep out of their hiding places to light up their devil weed, wafting smoke into the windows of innocent sleeping babies and virgin girls. If this was a comic book, or a blown-out Hollywood superhero melodrama, Batman or Superman or Aquaman would be there to protect them. They'd wallop those stoners and put out the fiery infernos in their bongs. They'd keep watch over us all. But no. This is real life. There are no superheroes to squelch the stoners and their noxious weed odors. There is only one man. One man who can save us all from the mildly irritating plight of smelling someone else's weed smoke. But who is this man?

NASAL RANGER! When you start to smell pot, call NASAL RANGER, and he'll be there in a flash to determine the exact concentration of the odor with his handy NASAL RANGER device! NASAL RANGER!

Nasal Ranger will come to your house, hold his machine to his nose, take a whiff, and wait while the machine works its magic. Shh. It's working. Don't interrupt it. It's reading the dilution threshold, or the ratio of air to odor. If the threshold is greater than 7 parts of air to 1 part of weed, then your ass is grass!

But Nasal Ranger isn't really a superhero. He's just a man. A man called Ben Siller (not to be confused with Ben Stiller. That would be hilarious.), who's worked for the Denver Department of Environmental Health for the last 26 years. That's longer than you've probably been alive, buddy boy.

See, what Ben Siller's here for, is to see if you're violating any city odor laws by smoking your newly legal weed. But don't worry, according to Siller, the odor has to be "very strong" to be considered illegal. Like industrial-level strong. Like so strong that no odor in Denver has met that 7 to 1 ratio we mentioned earlier since 1994. So unless you're the world's most prolific stoner and you've managed to hot-box your entire house so badly that you can't even see where your bong is because the smoke is so thick, then you're probably good to go. So strong that marijuana grow facilities haven't even reached that level. But that doesn't stop concerned parents and menopausal women with superhuman olfactory senses from calling Ben to complain. And yet he, the Nasal Ranger, still shows up, committed to protecting his beloved city from the perils of smelly, smelly pot. Ben Siller is the reason we can sleep peacefully at night, you guys. He's our hero.