These condoms of the future are making us really excited to not get STDs
It’s been 20 years since we’ve made any significant advancement in condom technology, and no, we’re not going to acknowledge the baconflavored condom as an advancement. Twenty long years of the same old, dickdeflating prophylactics inspired sexually frustrated scientists to give the condom a much-needed update. Here’s a look into the future of safe sex.
The Silicone Accordion a.k.a. The Origami Condom
The fatal flaw of the condom is that it’s a moodkilling bitch to put on. The folks at Origami Condoms were tired of being emasculated, so they designed a condom you can put on with one hand. It’s made of silicone, therefore conducts heat and feels more like a person than latex. And, because it’s folded up like an accordion, there’s no awkward rolling. The flared base ensures it stays on, while the lubricated interior slides around on your oneeyed monster, increasing sensation for both you and your partner. Oh, and here’s one for the history books, it also comes in female and anal. Orgy anyone?
The Beef Condom a.k.a. Ultrasensitive Reconstituted Collagen Condom
Just the meat will do with this new condom. Apex Medical Technologies is creating a prophylactic made out of reconstituted collagen from beef tendons. Seriously, beef. The material is extremely strong, thin and is so much like skin that it transfers heat between parties as if it weren’t even there. The only downside is that your vegan girlfriend probably won’t appreciate it.
The Easy-Application Condom a.k.a. Project Rapidom
Because rolling on a condom is really more like a race against your erection, Project Rapidom created an allinone condom and applicator pack. You snap open the packaging, stretch it over the head of your penis and pull down. Before you know it, you’re wrapped and ready to go. Suiting up was fast as hell, so hopefully you’ll last a little longer this time.
The Clinger a.k.a UltraSheer “Wrapping” Condom with Superior Strength
What do lunch ladies have in common with your johnson? Not much, except they both can experience the clinging protection of polyethylene. The California Family Health Council is using this thin, durable material to make a condom designed to cling to your dick rather than squeeze around it. They claim this will provide the most pleasurable experience possible. And, of course, it’s designed with pulltabs, because have you ever been able to successfully get clingwrap on anything?
Graphene Condom a.k.a Graphene-Based Polymer Composites for High Heat Transfer, Increased Sensitivity and Drug Delivery
If you have a problem with breaking condoms, this new design is for you. A lab in India is creating a condom made with graphene, a versatile material that is 100 times stronger than steel but flexible and thin enough to comfortably hug a boner. This material is also extremely conductive; it transfers body heat just like skin. They’ll mix this with latex or polyurethane to create superstrong, superthin condoms. But the technology doesn’t stop there; they’ll also be able to mix STD-preventing medicines into the condoms. You’ll never have to worry about breaking the thing or catching and releasing any nasty diseases you come across. Talk about a barrier method.
Like a Glove a.k.a. Dynamic, Universal Fit, Low Cost Condom
The Cambridge Design Partnership in England is finetuning a condom that shrink wraps to your penis with the heat generated by bumping and grinding. The composite anisotropic material gets stronger with heat and movement, resulting in a perfect fit. No spillage, no slippage and enhanced pleasure because there’s no extra rubber moving around in there? There goes the, “I can’t wear a condom because none of them fit” excuse.
Real Skin Condom a.k.a. Biologically Inspired Condom
Patrick Kiser at Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill., is proposing a brandnew polymer compound that is basically synthetic human skin as a revolutionary new material for condoms. This second skin would be virtually undetectable but still provide protection from STIs and procreating. We wonder if they’ll come in different colors?
Anoi Condom a.k.a. Worlds Thinnest Condom
The Anoi Condom, sold only in China at the moment, measures in at only .036 mm thick. Considering human hair is only .06 mm, that’s pretty damn impressive. It holds a Guinness World Record. While you still have to roll it on, and it’s made with all the same materials condoms are currently made from, you can’t get any closer than that. Unless you’re willing to go without. In that case, you should probably just call your doctor now.