These have to be the most bizarre things making people horny

These have to be the most bizarre things making people horny

SexDecember 08, 2017 By Isabelle Kohn

Good lord, there are a lot of types of arousal out there. People can be turned by anything, anywhere, a testament to the vast and completely nonspecific spectrum of human sexuality.

However, there's one type of arousal whose sheer entertainment alone value makes it so much more compelling than the others. It's the totally unplanned, "Why am I like this?" type; a category of genital engorgement brought on unexpectedly by completely random things with no apparent sexual value. Often, this type takes you by surprise, hitting you hard with the need to get off and making you question both who you are and the very fabric of reality in the process.

Anyone who's ever been turned on by the discovery of sharks living inside volcanoes will know what we're talking about.

Looking at you, Jake.

So, because we desperately need validation for our own random episodes of horniness, we took to our social circle to ask about the most randomly bizarre things that have given people a Southernly tickle.

Mild to moderate to severe moistness ahead ...

1. Kombucha

"It doesn't matter where I am. It doesn't matter who I'm with. If I drink kombucha, I will get horny. Not even at anything, just aroused in general. It's gotten to the point where just seeing a bottle of kombucha makes me preemptively want to fuck."

- Elizabeth, 27, straight-ish

2. Teen Simba from the Lion King

"I think it was because he was going through puberty and his voice got lower. I'd still hit that."

- Rick, 28, "flaming gay."

3. A nice, bald dome

"One time, I had forgettable, mediocre sex with a bald guy who had a beard. I wasn't particularly attracted to him and was never into bald guys in the first place, but something about it stuck with me, and now every time I see a bald guy whose body shape, facial hair or posture even vaguely looks like his, my ovaries ignite the night."

- Salina, 26, straight

4. Aggressive Thai massage

"I was getting some body work done at a Thai massage place by my house. The masseuse was an older Thai woman, and while she was very kind for touching my disgusting body, I was definitely not attracted to her. It wasn't one of "those" massage places either; I just had sore shoulders. Everything was going great until she started rubbing my feet, focusing on the outer edge and pressing really hard. I wasn't aroused to begin with, but for some reason, the pain of it gave me a huge, completely embarrassing boner. The fact that she totally saw it but ignored it turned me on even more. Why am I like this?"

- Christ, 29, straight

5. Bubble gum

"One time I saw a girl blowing a bubble and I got super hard out of nowhere. Mysterious."

- Doug, 25, prefers not to disclose sexuality because his "has no definition or earthly boundaries." Alrighty!

6. A MILF minus the -ILF

"My friend's mom when we were growing up in high school. Not a hot mom either, at all. Just a ... mom. But, man, I woulda if I coulda."

- Blake, 32, straight

7. The thought of being in shape

"Whenever I masturbate, my mind drifts from people to scenarios to me. I picture myself being super ripped and in shape, with a perfect, round ass and cut arms. My stomach is flat and you can see my abs, and most typically, I'm running or fucking someone on top without getting tired ... although I'm more interested in my leg strength than the person I'm having sex with. It's like this ideal version of myself that's not even sexual, it's just pure confidence. For the record, I'm not out of shape or anything. I'm not into fitness, either. I just have a regular, perfectly alright body. But man, if I worked out ... I'd fuck me."

- Kayla, 24, bisexual

8. An ice-cold dad

"My friend has this British dad who looks exactly like Sting. He's all rustic and surf-y and has pale blue eyes. He's super intense and serious and even kind of mean to me, but every time he walks into the room the air prickles with this tension that feels both dangerous and sexy. I feel like he'd bite my ear off during sex but ... I'd bite his right back."

- Misty, 28, bisexual

9. Scooby-Doo

"Omg I hate myself."

- Paige, 26, straight

10. Gardener gang bang

"My building has landscapers who come and prune and water plants and blow leaves around every now and then. I'm on the ground floor, and they often get right up close to my window as they're doing their thing. If they had less decency, they could easily look in and see me doing what I'm most often doing, which is getting myself off. One time, I was masturbating while they were landscaping and the thought that all these men could see me, and that there was only a thin wall and an open window between us, drove me crazy. I pictured them breaking in and having sex with me, one after the other and I almost broke my back from the orgasm I had. I could never look at gardener/ lawn people the same again."

- Alex, 26, straight

11. Garlic breath

"I'm turned on by the smell of garlic and garlic breath. Sue me."

- Nick, 24, gay

12. The thought of my boyfriend wearing my clothes

"One time, my boyfriend and I were jokingly talking about dressing him up in my clothes and putting makeup on him so he could feel how long it takes to get ready as a woman. I had this sudden mental image of him in a dress and a lopsided wig, slowly pulling a stocking up his leg while he fidgeted with a high-heel, then sauntering into the bathroom to look at his reflection. I picture him shocked at how beautiful he looked with long lashes and red lips, and then imagined him softening and tearing up with tenderness at how good it felt to wear woman's clothing and makeup. I got so fucking turned on by that."

- Amanda, 29, straight

13. Scripted, insincere public apologies

"For some reason, I love it when politicians or celebrities issue public apologies about something they've done wrong. I had a field day when the United CEO came forward to apologize for his company beating up that passenger. It always takes me by surprise when it happens because I don't look for it, but when I come across it, holy shit."

- Diego, 27, straight

14. A rock in my shoe

"One time a few years ago, I found myself with a rock stuck in my shoe. It was simultaneously painful and extremely irritating, but for some reason, the idea that I kept stepping on it and hurting myself despite how easy it would be to get it out gave me such a hard-on. I liked that it made no sense why I was doing this to myself. It wasn't even sexual, it was just really arousing."

- Ben, 25, straight

15. Melania Trump's silently screaming sadness

"I don't even think she's hot, but there's something about her outwardly sad, neglected demeanor and the tragedy of her being attached to such a horrible person like Trump, that makes my vagina just ... swell up. Every time I see her looking like she wants to say something but can't — half because no one takes her seriously and half because she can barely form a coherent sentence — I just want to save her ... by making her come. Maybe I like kept women, or something?"

- Kate, 30, bisexual-ish