Trust No One: The Best Conspiracy Theories of the Last 50 Years

Trust No One: The Best Conspiracy Theories of the Last 50 Years

CultureJune 22, 2013

The true test of a friendship is how you respond when someone you've respected your whole life mutters the words Alex Jones. You've discovered your friend is a conspiracy theorist; an individual immune to logic and reason. Having a friend who's a conspiracy theorist, is a lot like having with a cat that pisses the carpet. You can't get rid of it, and you can't tell if it is trying to annoy you on purpose or if it's just too stupid to use the litter box.

AIDS was created by the CIA:
Ah, the 1950s, the golden age when America was still moral and still respected the values it was founded upon. Yeah, the ’50s were great ... as long as you weren’t black, gay or any type of minority at all. It was this proudly racist spirit of the ’50s that gave rise to the conspiracy concerning the origin of the AIDS virus. The theory goes that sometime during the 1970s, the powers that be decided America had lost its moral guiding light. There was chaos in the streets, boys were kissing boys, and black people were using the same water fountain as white folks. Absolute chaos. To remedy this situation, the CIA allegedly began research on a super virus impervious to any known antidote. The virus allegedly created was first called “gay-related immune deficiency” or GRID, and its primary function was to kill blacks and homosexuals, thus returning the United States to its moral apex. Coincidently or not, the government first received taxpayer money to produce a biological weapon in the year 1977, and the first case of AIDS discovered was in 1978. The United States also began its odd Hepatitis B experiments in 1978 in New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles, which many believed was a ploy to inject gay people with the virus. While this theory may seem far fetched, the Washington Post recently released a poll stating that 15 percent of people polled believe AIDS was indeed created as a tool of genocide. While there is no real substance to the CIA-manufactured AIDS conspiracy, this doesn’t stop public figures such as Kanye West, who raps in his song “Heard ’Em Say,” “And I know the government administered AIDS, so I guess we just pray like the minister say.” Who needs facts when you have Yeezy’s flow?

DIA and the New World Order:
If you have ever taken the time to look around the Denver International Airport, you might notice something wicked about the place. Among other things, it features murals that show Native Americans with melting faces, copious amounts of dead children and one very large, very scary, Nazi-like storm trooper piercing a dove with his sword. Seriously, these murals exist. Basically, DIA is home to a cornucopia of post-apocalyptic warnings about the future. To make it more suspicious, the airport was paid for by a group known as the New World Airport Commission (as stated on the capstone of the airport). However, as it turns out, the New World Airport Commission doesn’t actually exist. What do theorists believe? Conspiracy theorists have latched on to the idea that DIA has some sort of significance to a group called the New World Order. The New World Order refers to the idea there is a small cluster of elites who have conspired to one day rule the entire world under one government. Notable figures such as former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura claim DIA was actually built as a fallout shelter for these people. While the former governor’s theory may seem a tad wacky, there are a few eerie facts within the airport that suggest the governor may be right. First, in front of the biological warfare mural that adorns a wall in the baggage claim area, there is a symbol engraved in the ground: Au Ag. These symbols are known to represent the chemical components of gold and silver, but also are an acronym for a deadly virus known as Australia Antigen (recently determined to be an ingredient for future biological weapons). Coincidence? You be the judge. To make matters even more suspicious, during the initial stages of construction, five buildings were apparently “positioned incorrectly,” and thus had to be buried. That is correct; not blown up or taken apart, buried. There is a huge underground structure beneath the airport that houses tunnels able to fit large, moving vehicles. Although airport officials promise these tunnels are made for storage, we’re not so sure. To put it simply, DIA is basically the plot of the movie “12 Monkeys” starring Bruce Willis. That movie had a happy ending, right?

Located in the middle of nowhere Alaska, the High-frequency Active Auroral Research Program is a jointly funded research facility run by the U.S. Navy and Air Force, the University of Alaska and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. Built for the purpose of analyzing the ionosphere and its potential for improved radio communication and surveillance, it’s been accused of more sinister purposes in recent years. Unlike most federally funded research facilities, HAARP does not open its doors to the public and does little to publicize its findings. This wouldn’t be too much of a problem if the majority of wildlife surrounding the facility weren’t all dying from mysterious causes. Now put on your aluminum-foil hats people, because this conspiracy theory is about to get silly. When Katrina hit in 2005, HAARP was receiving its peak amount of government funding. This led many to believe that the HAARP facility had something to do with the hurricane’s circumstances. HAARP has a high-frequency radio transmitter that shoots rays into the ionosphere to temporarily excite specific areas. While no hard evidence has shown these experiments are detrimental to the environment, both the European parliament and the Russian military have raised concerns over the potential environmental effects. In addition, well-known physicist Bernard Eastlund said he believes HAARP has technology capable of modifying the weather as well as neutralizing satellites. Since these statements were released, HAARP has been the subject of theorists who believe it caused environmental catastrophes such as the 2011 Japan earthquake, the 2010 Pakistan flood and the 2010 earthquake in Haiti. The theory? The U.S. government induces environmental disasters to protect its economic and strategic interests. That’s right; don’t fuck with us ... Haiti. HAARP was also accused of using the same frequency range in its studies as the frequency of human brain waves, thus leading people who know nothing about science to appeal to the government over HAARP’s mind-control agenda. If you are still interested in this theory, you are silly.

For those of you who never had the fortune to experience a Blue Angel acrobat jet fighter show when you were children, what you missed was this: really fast fighter jets, eardrum-shattering frequencies, and red, white and blue mind-control contrails… or so the theory goes. Often mistaken for smoke or chemicals, contrails are actually the condensed water vapor a plane drags behind it when it flies. But enough of that science stuff, doesn’t it make more sense that the contrails are actually chemtrails used by the government to promote obedience and mind control over its unaware citizens? The chemtrails theory is that these contrails are biological agents sprayed by the U.S. government at intentionally high altitudes for mind-controlling purposes. Fueled by a 1996 Air Force document that outlined specific ways to modify the weather for military purposes, the chemtrail theory has led many to question the unusual persistence of contrails in certain geographic areas. While many scientists propose the lingering contrail phenomena is a matter of climate diversity, people are still not convinced. All we know is that we love the U.S. government and that chemtrails are just an illusion. We suggest you get back to work, fellow citizen.

The Secret UN takeover of the United States:
Yes that is correct; the mighty U.N. army is planning to overthrow the weak and defenseless U.S. government, apparently. From 1999 to 2003 around 1,000 U.N. vehicles appeared behind a private, fenced-in storage area in Bastrop, Texas. They featured insignia similar to that of the U.N., so the ever-watchful eyes of Bastrop got curious. At an estimated combined worth of $30 million, this fleet of white SUVs grew for a number of years but were never deployed at any point, according to witnesses. Furthermore, the facility where these cars were stored had signs covering its fences warning of “poison gas.” When prodded for answers, a spokesman from the facility confirmed what many in the community saw: All of the cars were being fitted with prison cages and shackles. While the facility spokesman claimed the vehicles were meant to be used for border control, many could not reconcile the fact that border control vehicles were always painted green, not white. While the United Nations never actually took over the United States, this conspiracy theory had a resurgence of some sort when in 2012 satellite pictures showed thousands of white U.N. vehicles stored at a Jacksonville, Fla., air base. While nothing has been confirmed, mega theorist Sterling D. Allen released this statement in true conspiracy-theorist fashion: “If it turns out to be true that these vehicles are indeed being prepared for U.N. use within the U.S., do you think this government would give you a straight answer? Are you going to take the government’s word for it? I wouldn’t. I don’t.” There you have it folks, never trust the government, and always believe in paranoid conjecture.

The Montauk Project:
No conspiracy theory can start off better than with a secret government research project funded by $10 billion worth of stolen Nazi gold. The theory goes the Montauk Air Force base near New York City was created as a research facility to develop a “Stargate”-like time portal. The leaders of this research, allegedly, were none other than the very dead (but very much alive) Nikola Tesla and of course uber-physicist Albert Einstein. Events said to occur at the base include: particle physics research, teleportation, time travel and alien contact. While the site is now abandoned — it was given up by the U.S. government in 1980 — the government still holds the right to “everything beneath the surface” and the right to reoccupy the land if necessary. According to a government report, the land was given up after undisclosed injuries to U.S. Army personnel (many believe this to be the work of a time-traveling beast that ravaged the facility). To fuel the conspiracy flames even further, visitors to the now-defunct base claim to have been harassed by government agents to leave the area. Even more interesting is that electrical workers actually installed a power station at the site capable of providing enough energy to light up a whole city. Finally — and almost too good to be true — there is a concrete, sealed door on one of the buildings that leads downward and that by federal law no one is allowed to go near. If you must enter, remember your time-traveling pants and the final score of the 1984 Super Bowl. If you come back a billionaire, please do not marry anyone’s mother a la Biff from “Back to the Future II.”