UK’s cocaine users are pissed because new 5-pound note cuts up their noses
The classiest Americans snort cocaine through crisp hundred dollar bills. But for the plebeians without a pocket full of Benjamins, lower value dollars will have to do.
Across the ocean, UK citizens are also struggling with budget drug habits. The nation’s cocaine users are currently up in arms, complaining that the new five pound plastic note is cutting up their noses, making low-income snow-snorting more painful than ever.
As one anonymous English source explained to The Metro newspaper, “I thought I was the only person to have had my nose cut by the new fiver. But when I told my friend how I was in agony he said I had been ‘Winstoned’ and it was happening to everyone.”
The expression “getting Winstoned,” as the informant revealed, refers to the image of Winston Churchill on the bill’s face. After users’ nostrils have been battered by the banknote’s tiny shards of plastic, it seems Churchill’s trademark scowl makes them feel all the more humiliated.
The stronger and thicker plastic cash was designed to be more durable and considerably harder to counterfeit than previous paper money. At first, it seemed the resilient nature of the note was a benefit for blow-lovers, but a few solid snorts quickly proved the contrary.
“Everyone thought the new fivers were God’s gift to sniffing at the start because they roll up perfectly. Now I suppose people are realizing if something seems too good to be true, then it usually is,” muses the insightful informant.
The country’s Daily Mail publication claims that national police studies have revealed every bank note in the UK becomes contaminated with cocaine within weeks of entering circulation. Despite this analysis, The Bank of England claims that it will not withdraw the hazardous five pound notes from circulation, but conceded that it would consult with the public on how future bills should be made.
In preparation, the UK’s cocaine users have begun drafting their talking points for upcoming ten and twenty pound denominations. They plan on requesting a return to nose-friendly paper currency and placing the celebrated Pablo Escobar on the bill’s face.