A very special valentine from Rooster's diabolical stalker, Weird Paul

A very special valentine from Rooster's diabolical stalker, Weird Paul

SexFebruary 13, 2014

This Valentine's Day, we here at Rooster have a lot more than overactive Tinder accounts and a 48-pack of tissues from Costco we're using to soak up our single-person tears.

We have a stalker. And his name is Weird Paul.

Weird Paul can only be described as a diabolical genius. He has been sending us bizarre, slightly menacing-in-an-endearing-way letters using a combination of Courier New and Comic Sans for a few years now. Each time we receive one, we gather collectively to have our spines tingled and minds mangled by his incomprehensible siren songs, then spend the rest of the day trying to decode his messages as we look over our shoulders, half-expecting to see the shadow of the man himself behind us.

We can only imagine he is sending these letters from an underground laboratory where he is plotting some kind of takeover. He could only be clothed in a duster jacket with lots of pockets and a goatee, which he has taken care to sharpen at the tip to signify his turpitude. Picture every superhero movie scenario where the villain taunts the hero by sending him weird clues that are riddled with well, riddles, and seemingly inane poetry that can only foreshadow his eventual attack.

So, in the spirit of Valentine's Day, we'd like to show Weird Paul some love by sharing this valentine he wrote us with you. Because we love you as much as Weird Paul loves us.