What to do when your best friend's boyfriend or girlfriend sucks balls

What to do when your best friend's boyfriend or girlfriend sucks balls

SexApril 02, 2014

Five totally adult ways to handle your best friend's god-awful partner and win your best friend back that aren't even slightly childish or revenge-driven in any way at all!

Avoid having an adult conversation

"That girlfriend intervention my friends threw for me really worked! Thanks, friends," said no one ever. Cornering your friend and telling them the person they love sucks ass and that they should just leave them is going to work about 0% of the time. If you want to keep said friend on your Myspace Top 8, keep your opinions to yourself, or you'll offend and alienate your friend. Instead of sitting them down and telling them how you feel about their shitbag boyfriend, just be there for them when they need to vent about the dickwad, and you'll come off as the the shiny, innocent angel you are.

You can, of course, always throw sneaky little things in there like, "It seems like you've been really unhappy with him lately," or "he doesn't seem to understand that a condom is not an anniversary present," but if you do, make sure you're just making observations about them, and not making statements about yourself.

Other than those tricky little innuendos, avoid doing the "honorable thing" (being up front about your feelings) at all costs, unless they directly ask you how you feel about it.

Always, no matter what, be more exciting than them

Start doing really cool things. Be the life of the party. Go out as much as you can. Do stuff your friend has always wanted to do. Once your friend notices you living it up and having a grand old time, he'll start to miss doing that with you.

Chances are, his relationship has kept him pent up and unable to do the things he really wants to, so seeing you do all them will make him look for the reason why he's not having as much fun as you are. And there it is, staring him dead in the face, draped in matching couple's pajamas and all: the girlfriend.

Long story short, your capacity to have a great time will make them feel weird that they aren't there, snorting cocaine off of gigolos' chests with you.

Send in the big guns

Find your most attractive friend, or most affordable hooker, and sic them on your friend. Sometimes, all it takes for them to get that their partner is a human gnome is a chiseled body and a pair of baby blues to make them realize they can do better.

This'll work especially well if your friend has an innocent crush outside their relationship, or a type that they find irresistible that you can coerce into flirting with them for a night or so.

The right kind of attention from the right person will reinforce your friend's confidence, which in turn might make them realize that they deserve someone who doesn't buy four large pepperoni pizzas with the money he stole from his job, then eat them naked on the couch while texting his ex.

Blackmail city, baby

Does your best friend's girlfriend have a secret child or five that no one but you knows about? Did their boyfriend serve hard time for stealing radioactive bull testicles from a laboratory because they were making a Frankenstein in their basement? Are they, in any way, maybe the Southwest's largest meth kingpin who is notorious for cooking up astonishingly pure blue ice, but your friend doesn't know? Well, check your watch because it's blackmail time baby.

If being a responsible adult has gotten you nowhere, it's time to dig up some dirt on the ol' bastard and use it to negotiate their exit from your friend's life. Scour their social media and grill their friends for clues, and once you've built up a reliable evidence bank, meet up with the offending hag and tell her that the classified info is going public if they don't initiate a breakup sequence soon.

Sure, they could have lawyer fathers who will sue your pretty little ass off for defamation, but hey, you gotta take risks to get rewards.

Also, fuck this situation. You need some new friends.

If you've spent all this time and attention on your friend and you're not seeing results, then it's probably time to move on to a new best friend who's embroiled in a slightly less-nauseating relationship. If you friend isn't going to come around, then there's no reason to waste your energy and wait around for them to realize that their lover is giant, herpes-filled boner. Plus, you won't have to hang out with them and quietly seethe as your friend's girlfriend complains about her rare, diarrhea-inducing shellfish allergy ever again, and that is worth more than a thousand best friends.