When is it okay to start farting in front of your lover?
Picture this: It’s noon, the boyfriend has yet to put on actual pants and the girlfriend has her lazy day lunch lady bun in full-effect. The enthusiastic oral sex has all but subsided, the lack of effort and complacency are almost palpable. Before they know it, the two are staying in on Fridays, clad in full sweats, barreling through gallons of Häagen-Dazs and breaking wind between House of Cards episodes. Not quite the antithesis of Netflix and Chill, but pretty close.
So how long does it take the average individual to just openly fart uninhibited in front of their significant other?
Using Google Forms, Mic.com compiled the survey results from more than 125 individuals in their 20s and 30s to determine when the average person dropped the pretense and just started crop-dusting their significant other. According to its findings, the most common time to begin the nosedive into the era of openly farting in front of a partner is just before the 6 month anniversary.
According to the survey, in less than the first 6 months of dating, more than half of all correspondents (51 percent) had already farted in front of their partner. Nearly a quarter of those surveyed (22 percent) had a relatively short honeymoon phase, admitting to letting ‘er rip after just a few short weeks.
What's sort of hard to believe, is the amount of people who kept up the charade for more than 6 months. One-in-four claim to have waited between 6 months to a full year, and 9 percent of respondents postponed the deed for an entire year before going full nuclear with their partner.
An entire year?! Three hundred and sixty-five days of lies is no way to carry a relationship, thankfully, about 10 percent of those surveyed said they broke wind in front of their partner as soon as they needed to.
As one female respondent noted: "No man is worth gastrointestinal discomfort."
Agreed … and vice versa.
Just to prove once and for all that love is intrinsically doomed, 7 percent of respondents said they waited until they told each other they loved one another before crossing the fart threshold in the relationship.
Nearly 1 in 5 individuals (19 percent) claim they would not fart in a relationship until they had heard their significant other do so first. A nice modern twist on the Mexican standoff. The bubble-guts from that suspect, biohazard Chipotle are settling in and everyone is just waiting to pull the trigger. In this whole stalemate scenario, of those who wait for their partner to make the first move, 73 percent were women.
"My boyfriend hates that I fart around him, but I'm slowly breaking him in," one 29-year-old woman elaborated to Mic.
She’ll be dressing him in no time…
All cynicism mostly aside, this sort of openness is generally a positive harbinger for the overall relationship as a whole. As noted by clinical therapist, Robert Huizenga:
"Farting in front of your significant other means you feel free to move beyond your roles. You may even find yourselves discussing family roles and expectations that you bring to each other. You need not carry the burden of continually being prim and proper."
Because once the emotional attachment begins … the real downward spiral of all-out relationship comfort and shamelessness goes full throttle: the boyfriend simply turns his briefs inside-out on day three, those amorphous once strictly “sensitive week” sweatpants of hers become Friday night lingerie, he’s taking a dump and she’s a foot away brushing-up with his toothbrush. You know, a regular sexual tour-de-force.
Don’t worry, everyone, cuffing season is nearly over…