This month's horoscopes make it clear: single is life
Face it, we’re all screwed. In a good way.
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
You are one of those types who empathizes with your partner’s every feeling. This month you might want to step back a bit as it might spell emotional catastrophe. You don’t have to take on everyone’s emotional baggage like a TSA agent working overtime. Disconnect, detach and distance yourself.
Feb. 20-Mar. 20
That summer fling you had? Let it go. Glomming onto short-term partners is bad for your health. Move on. Nothing to see here. There are plenty of other apples in the orchard. Go on a blind date! You got game, you just got stuck for a minute. They’re gonna get fat now anyway.
Mar. 21-Apr. 20
As summer dwindles, the temperature isn’t the only thing cooling down. One moment you’re as randy as a Jersey Shore expat, and the next you’re sobbing into a carton of Ben & Jerry’s. By month’s end, you figure it out and can get back to banging like a loose shutter in a hurricane.
Apr. 21-May 21
You are in a snit as the month begins, and jealousy rears its ugly misshapen head. Don’t give in or you’ll lose your lover in a heartbeat. By mid-month, you’re back to your old self and wanting to join a local cuddle puddle. Rave style. You own your sex appeal and it shows.
May 22-June 21
Welcome to reality. You hop from bed to bed like a kangaroo on crack. Slowing down and analyzing your behavior is called for this month. Are you looking for an LTR, or just another quick fix? Figure it out or else the universe will do it for you.
June 22-July 22
You’re faced with tangled emotions that are making you a hot mess. Talk things over with your lover or partner to come up with creative solutions. Like roleplay. Embrace a more playful approach to sex and you might find you’re enjoying “sexy recess” much more than you thought you could.
July 23-Aug. 21
You are the flirt master of the universe. No one can turn a head quite like you. However, ignored emotions are coming back to haunt you. Put your 2:00 a.m. “you up?” texts on hold until reality sets back in. What you learn about how your body bends will serve you for years to come.
Aug. 22-Sept. 23
You are on fire this month! Your eager intelligence and attention to detail are an aphrodisiac for those who like that kind of thing. Maybe perfectionism has perks after all. Like your tits. And remember: you can always use your mouth for things other than talking. Like learning harmonica.
Sept. 24-Oct. 23
You’ve been working so hard and neglecting your sex life, you’ve almost forgotten how to insert A into B. Take your mind off business and got out and find yourself a stress-relieving quickie with someone other than yourself. There’s a work-sex balance that you should reconsider: maybe sleep with your boss or whatever.
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
This summer has been nothing but dates and booty calls, and still you’re wanting more. Take in all you can because your sex life is about to be placed on pause. You’ll find that you’re telling everyone within ear-shot your dirty little secrets. Save it for the bedroom, people on the A-line don’t want to hear that shit.
Nov. 23-Dec. 22
What is it with you lately? Every hottie and cutie-patootie has their eye on you with one thing on their mind. You’re a piece of meat! They want to crash the custard truck. Dance in the sheets. Drive your Miss Daisy to get her arthritis pills. Remember though, you don’t have to go with every person who asks you. But you can.
Dec. 23-Jan. 20
You don’t have crushes. You have business arrangements. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But you must stop using euphemisms for sex like “replacing the toner cartridge” and “run it up the flagpole.” Corporate-speak belongs in the boardroom, not the bedroom.