Which of these snowmen can claim the title of "Sexiest Snowman of 2013?"

Which of these snowmen can claim the title of "Sexiest Snowman of 2013?"

VicesDecember 29, 2013

Contestant No. 1: Arnold Schwarzeneggar

Talent: Steroids

Contestant No. 2: Sexually Adventurous Outdoor Exhibitionist Team

Talent: Accidental procreation

Contestant No. 3: Kim Kardashian Minus the Annoying Head

Talent: Not having a head that houses a brain that thinks of stupid Tweets

Contestant No. 4: Shirtless Pessimist Snowman

Talent: Melting into a forgotten oblivion, and handwriting

Contestant No. 5: Frozen Fellatio Duo

Talent: Swallowing

Contestant No. 6: BBW Snow-Woman

Talent: Demolishing all your pizza bagels in one sitting

Contestant No. 7: Boobs McGee

Talent: Existing

Contestant No. 8: Not-Quite-Porn-But-Still-Tastefully-Erotic-Snow-Woman

Talent: Making us feel weird about our newfound attraction to snow

Contestant No. 9: Beautiful-On-The-Inside Snow-Creation

Talent: Reminding us of Lena Dunham

Contestant No. 10: Gary Busey

Talent: Deflecting bullets with his teeth and smiling in a way that could be construed as either eerie or maniacal, depending on the context

Contestant No. 11: David Bowie's Scarf

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Talent: Keeping Iman's grubby hands off David Bowie's perfect neck

Contestant No. 12: The Rage Meme

Talent: This...

Contestant No. 13: A Snowman Constructed Using the Entire Contents of Your Neighborhood Grocery Store

Talent: Squirrel feeding

Contestant No. 14: Psy from Gangnam Style

Talent: Not a goddamn thing.

Well, that's quite a crop of confusingly attractive snowmen. But there's one snowman who eclipsed them all in the competition for "Sexiest Snowman of 2013." One that was so sexy, that it convinced a man to make love to it, incurring an arrest and a nasty case of frostbite on his penis. Now that's what we call sexy. Our winner, ladies and gentlemen...