Why men just don't want to have sex with you right now
Thanks to the sitcom ideal of relationships and pretty much every movie that Jennifer Aniston has been in, men are constantly expected to want sex, and if they're not into it, say hello to our good friend Crying, because that's who's coming to town. So, because Crying is a douche and steals our toothpaste, we made this list of a few reasons why men just don't want to put their penis in your right now ... aka excuses to avoid having sex with the token fat friend.
1. Whiskey dick
Booze, for all its virtues and ability to maneuver you into a sexual situation in the first place, is a boner's worst nightmare. At high levels, alcohol is both a nervous system depressant and a vasoconstrictor, which in dropout lingo, means the following: it makes it Your brain can't communicate with your flaccid booze dick, and, even if it could, it couldn't fill up with enough blood to prove you're a grower because it's minimized the circumference of your blood vessels.
Thankfully, there's a little thing called red wine that exerts this boner-slaying effect to a much lesser degree. Ever heard of Sauvignon Cock? Exactly.
2. A wee bit too much JizzHut.com
Porn just can't catch a break these days, but neither can a dude's dick when he spends every waking hour wanking off to "Cream Pie Broes and Hoes Volume 13" (we liked Vol. 12 better.) But dick-exhaustion is only one side of the porn-overdose coin.
Excessive porn watching can sensitize a dude to what he's seeing, making it so he needs more and more stimulation to get off. Usually, that takes the form of men becoming gradually dissatisfied with normal run-of-the-mill girl-on-guy porn, and developing weirder and rougher interests like bukkake BDSM with a touch of anal fisting or something. So when you present yourself to him, you seem below his stimuli threshold, being that you're not a hentai teen getting DP'd by animated tentacles and all. Too much porn can make dudes lose touch with reality. So just remember; it's not you. It's the fact that you're not making him dress up in your clothes then pee on you.
3. Shit hit the fan at work
So much of men's self-confidence comes from how useful they see themselves as. But if something weird is going on at work and it's potentially threatening his ability to take care of you and his other responsibilities, his dick might as well shrivel up like a raisin and fall off. Men need to feel worthy and capable before almost anything else, so you can imagine what it's like for them when you show up to their house lingerie, but they feel worthless. That's the anti-boner.
If work is sucking for him, show him you support him emotionally. Talk to him, and be there for him in whatever way you can. The increased emotional connection may make him want to blow a load in your face.
4. They're unconscious
For women, being "too tired" is a perennial excuse for not wanting to fuck. But why isn't it for men? No, seriously we're asking you.
Unless you swear on your childhood hedgehog's grave that you'll do all the work, there's no convincing a near-unconscious man to fuck you. The soothing weight of sleep is much more convincing than the prospect of two minutes of half-baked foreplay and four minutes of sweaty thrusting. You should know; you've only used that excuse once a week for the past 10 years.
5. They don't feel pretty today
Whether it's because they just ate 11 pounds of Indian food, they're embarrassed about their F.U.P.A, or they think their chicken legs look particularly chicken-y today, men are just as susceptible to body insecurity as women. And, like ladies, when they don't feel sexy, they don't want to fuck you.
It's like when you wake up in the morning and your eyes are crusted shut, your breath smells like hot garbage, and you're bloated after a night of red wine guzzling; you don't exactly feel like pouncing on him, right? Well he doesn't exactly want to pounce on you either if he doesn't feel like the beautiful beast he is.
6. Not enough emotional connection with you
Not even Kate Upton's wonderful bouncing tits in space are more arousing than connecting with someone on a deeper level. Yeah, Kate's boobs are totally juicy, but they've got nothing on your impeccable taste in music, your intimate knowledge of his body, the hilarious conversations you have together, or the fact that you know him better than anyone else.
If you guys haven't been connecting in a while, that may be a reason why he doesn't want to connect his dick into one of your many welcoming orifices. Talk to him, reveal something personal, have a risky experience together, listen to your favorite album together, ask him about himself; whatever it takes to connect with him and let him know that you care and understand. Men are sensitive bitches sometimes.
7. Uh, they just jacked off in the shower like five minutes ago, so ...
Translation: the fuel tank is empty. Abort mission.
8. Your sex is more boring than a calculus class dipped in HTML
Maybe starting out in missionary then switching to cowgirl exactly four minutes and 12 seconds into the thing was awesome the first 147 times you tried it, but your sex routine, being a routine, has probably become predictable. Maybe he just needs a little spontaneity and experimentation in bed.
Novelty stimulates a dopamine-response pathway in the brain, making whatever new stimulus you're trying more pleasurable and emotionally satisfying than your tried-and-sorta-true sex routine. So get out of your comfort zone and try something you never have before, like jumping him when he gets home from work and going down on him in the kitchen. Pretend your bedroom is full of noxious poison, and venture elsewhere for your sex-capades.
9. He's not attracted to you anymore. Ooh, diss.
We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but now that you fart on him and refuse to change out of your fucking Victoria's Secret sweat pants, he's hasn't felt attracted to you in a while. If you want him to start banging you on the regular again, change up your appearance a little. Do something different with your hair, maybe go to the gym and lose 37 (or two) pounds, or throw on something tight and black. Put some effort into yourself, and you'll see that he puts something into you (it's his dick).
10. He's intimidated by you ... or the small army of dude you've banged before him
If you've been with more people than he has, he might feel sexually incompetent compared to both them and you. Or, he might feel like it's too easy to bang you. Although he's holding you to an unfair double standard by believing that, it might be a reason why he's not fucking you as we speak. Make sure you let him know that he's different, and that he makes you feel things you've never felt. Whether or not that's true doesn't matter, as long as he feels like he has some kind of advantage over the numbers 1-240 on your conquest list. If he's still uncomfortable with your experience, maybe he'd have more luck in the "untouched Amish housewife" aisle.
11. He doesn't know how to get you off
Maybe he sucks in bed and he knows it. He's never been able to get you off, and he knows he comes three hours before you do. He doesn't want to fuck you when he knows you're just doing it to be nice.
Thankfully, that's what that gaping hole in your face is for! Talking! Communicate with him about what you want, and show him if words fail you. There's a really cool trick for telling guys what you want without bruising their fragile egoes, and its called the "Compliment-Request" system. Here's how you do it. Say he's eating you out, but he's moving his tounge at the same rate as a jet propellor and you're afraid he's going to shear your clit right off. Start with a compliment ("It really turns me on how you always want to go down on me"), then make a request ("...but can you go slower?). Once he feels like he's capable of pleasuring you, he'll be much hornier.
12. He's pissed at you
It doesn't matter if you had a fight or you did something accidentally you didn't know pissed him off, if he's mad at you, he's sure as hell not about try to make you come.
If he's not in the mood and you really don't know why, ask him if it's something you did. Give him the opportunity to talk to you about it, but don't press him into talking if he's not ready. He's not going to want to try that weird "Twister" move on you until he feels like you're on the same page about whatever issue you're having. But, there's a silver-lining of the "he's mad at you" problem: make-up sex. Maybe you should piss him off more ...
13. Male PMS
He's in a rage, smack-dab in the middle of a quarter life crisis, unsure of how to order off the menu without entirely subsuming his father's identity. He can't talk without yelling as he crawls through your front door, too distressed to exert his bipedal capacity, and he doesn't know why he's feeling all these feelings when he specifically told his feelings this was not a good time to have feelings. He's thinking of buying a surfboard, but feels helpless because he lives in Colorado and doesn't know how to surf. And he hasn't eaten for like, three hours.
Relax, everyone. There's a solution. It's called burgers. Once you've calmed him down to a point where he can use his mouth for chewing, not groaning about "TPS reports and shit," stick some food in there and watch in awe as his male PMS turns to "I'm going to fuck your brains out tonight."