Why is Playboy obsessed with putting CU on their Top 10 Party Schools list?
Guys...Guys! We did it again. We made Playboy's Top 10 Party Schools, coming in hot at No. 3.
The rankings are done by Playboy editors, who look at data from the National Center for Education Statistics, the NCAA, and the Census to determine their top picks. But CU's presence on the list is hardly a rarity; Playboy seems to keep us around somewhere on the thing, year after year. And that made us wonder...why is Playboy so obsessed with us? We mean, we're flattered and all, but we want to get to the bottom of their CU fetish. So, with that said, here's 5 and a half reasons why we think Playboy can't get CU off their mind.
1. You already know what's going to be #1...The WEED.
Usually, we would tend to associate the bounty of weed on and around campus with shameless Cheeto-eating, sleeping, and spirit animal discussions, but the legalization of weed in Colorado means there are ever more strains that you can smoke while partying, which are all accessible as fuck. No one here actually has to try to get weed- it basically rains from the heavens right into your bong in never-ending abundance. The cops here have officially vowed to back off on pot arrests, and you can walk around with up to an ounce in your pocket like it was your job. Where else on earth is there a more lax attitude towards weed? Your dreams?
If you go to WelcomeFest and don't get pregnant or get someone else pregnant, then it's a triumph, and we salute you. Welcome Fest is how babies are made. It's a an excuse to take drugs and drink till' the cows come home, courtesy of Colorado taxpayers and your tuition-paying parents who are blissfully unaware that their money is going towards supporting the place where their little girl/boy is going to have their very first blackout.
3. The altitude
Seriously. People get fucked up here, harder and faster, because there's basically no air. Its science, you guys. Okay, half science...higher altitudes don't actually increase your BAC, but they're more likely to increase your risk of hypoxia (not having enough oxygen to breathe), the effects of which are similar to intoxication. So if you're drinking or drugging, it's not that your poison of choice is working better, it's because your body makes you feel a little wasted when it has less air to breathe. Party on, Wayne.
4. Old money from the East Coast and California...oh, and Boulder
CU is brimming with privileged 1%-ers who are just in school because their conditions of their trust fund states that they'll only have access to the money upon the receipt of some sort of Bachelor's degree. And we love, love, love them, because without these little richies, we'd be sitting on our stoops drinking tall cans, watching TV. These kids are the reasons we've all been to multiple Hill-mansion parties replete with strippers, a private bar, party favors, ice sculptures, tigers on leashes, and pizza for days. Old-money babies also buy up all the primo drugs, so it's not uncommon to find cocaine mountains, molly rivers, and prescription drug trees at these things. Totally illegal, but totally gets the attention of Playboy.
5. The Hill
Not every college town has one neighborhood where nearly all of its students live. Boulder, however, has the The Hill, which is like a super-concentrated cesspool of fun. It's almost entirely college students, who are all around the same age and want to the same thing- get wasted. The layout of the Hill, the venues and bars, and it's partier population create a weird vortex in which wild shit is the norm. Of course, CU-Denver isn't as blessed when it comes to a student party paradise, but it's right smack in the middle of LoDo, the center of Denver's party universe.
Runner-Up Reason: our potent, unabashed hatred for couches
This isn't really a reason for Playboy to consider us professional partiers, but couch torture is so undeniably prevalent in the CU party scene, that we've become nationally renowned for it. And it tends to happen at parties, so more people can watch the couch get what it deserves.
What do you guys think? Did we get everything? Tell us what you think makes CU Playboy's favorite son.