Will May be moist? Let's consult your hookup horoscope

Will May be moist? Let's consult your hookup horoscope

SexMay 01, 2017

Hooking up: It's all in the stars ... and the first few drinks.

Capricorn

We get it Capricorn — you’re independent. When you’re single, this is good because you fine flying solo (pro masturbator), but when you’re in a relationship, your need for liberty can be pretty gross for people who aren’t used to it.This month, that’ll come up more than a few time when you demonstrate your sovereignty by outright ghosting people who deserve an explanation of why you’ve suddenly stopped filling their assholes with yogurt on Thursday evenings. Talk it out before you vanish so they don’t come after you with Yoplait.

Aquarius

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want in bed this month, Aquarius. Your ruling planet of Uranus gives you a natural tendency to keep those things inside and hope someone will pry it out of you or psychically intuit your moistest fantasies, but … this May’s the perfect time get over that. No one has the energy to pry, and all the psychics are busy fabricating stories about your dead grandma, so blurt out what you want or forever hold your peace/penis.

Pisces

You’ve probably never really considered yourself much of a polyamorist, but this month, you’ll have a change of opinion when you realize that “normal” relationships suddenly feel stifling to you. You can thank the conjunction of Venus and Uranus for that — the influence will make anything safe or predictable feel like giving birth out of your ass. Embrace the things that feel new and different, like John, and Katie, and Heather, and Mike, and Alex. Not Dan, though.

Taurus

Given your well-documented and prolific love for the outdoors, why don’t you look into some sort out outdoor sex scenario this month, Taurus? The weather’s finally nice, you know you already have 203 pounds of camping gear, and with your adventurous attitude, your partner’s probably going to be down for it. If you can finagle it so you’re in the actual dirt and pine needles and poison oak as you bone, you’ll be the happiest motherfucker in this zodiac.

Aries

With your seemingly boundless energy, you tend to speed through life at a pace most of us think should be illegal. You walk, talk, drive and think fast. Problem is, you also fuck fast. Like, “... Was that it?” fast. This month, slow your roll. Take a deep breath, soften your movements, and enjoy the soft, purposeful caresses of someone before you bust in their face after two minutes. You’ll find this new style of not sucking to be quite thrilling, we promise.

Gemini

If you’re looking for a partner this May, you’re most likely to find one where you least expect it — your group of seemingly platonic friends. Thanks to the moon’s stint in Cancer, the relationships with the most nurturing and mutual understanding will feel the most attractive to you, so open yourself up to the possibility that your childhood bestie could be so much more. Maybe not like “Will electrocute you with eels in a sexual way” more, but still. You’ll take it.

Cancer

Venus is in your fourth house this month, which has the effect of intensifying your relationships with women. Regardless of your sexuality, expect yourself to feel drawn to all things feminine, or to even take on the typical “role” of the female yourself as you explore your newfound affinity for Lady World. We wouldn’t be surprised if some things that don’t usually go in your holes go in them this month — pegging, oral on a man, sex toys, randy-looking cucumbers … these are all things that’ll feel familiar to you, as well as inside you.

Leo

Although you tend to be pure fire in the bedroom during the first, sex-filled months or years of a relationship, you fizzle out when things get too comfortable, and your relationships take on a sort of “tech-savvy octogenarian” feel to them. This month, try to shake up that routine by letting fantasy play a more active role in your love life and letting your partner take the lead for once. If you can dream it, you can ejaculate it.

Virgo

Normally, you’re not the one-night-stand type. You don’t bring strangers home because they’re drab, and even if you do settle for some Tinder ass, you’re usually not proud of it. That doesn’t mean you don’t like casual sex ... it’s just that you want casual sex with someone way smarter, prettier, more talented and more tasteful than you. Well, fine! Go for someone older. Someone with a Mini Cooper or something. We promise they’ll make you feel dumb, which is really kind of what you want, isn’t it?

Libra

You’re not a pushover or anything, but you do like it when other people are in control. Ever thought about bringing that natural submissiveness into the bedroom? Or Prius backseat? Course you have. You’re just too afraid that your increasing interest in submission abnormal (it’s not). You’ll scared of how far you might take it (not far, knowing you). You need someone experienced to show you the ropes; a real-life Christian or Christina Grey. Look on FetLife. Just saying.

Scorpio

How on earth it’s possible that you’re flighty, yet possessive, is beyond most people. However, easy-going Pisces and intense Aries are both well-equipped to handle the precarious psychosexual situation you’re equipped with, and luckily for you, your connections with both these signs is intensified this month. Use this natural chemistry to let your guard down and be yourself, fascination with orange juice enemas and all. They’ll just totally, like “get” you.

Sagittarius

Your sex life is a magical unicorn this month. An unusual amount of air planets give you the ability to communicate what you want, and Jupiter, your ruling planet, imbues you with the luck you’ll need to pull it off. Expect your partners to be more receptive to your weird, semi-complicated fantasies, but to also appreciate the challenge of fulfilling them. It’s kind of all about you right now, so sit back, relax, and let that train of midgets prod your taint. You win.