10 Women explain all the weird shit they do before going out in public

10 Women explain all the weird shit they do before going out in public

CultureOctober 11, 2016 By Stephanie March

Women have secret beauty regimens, this is no big story. But the're all so different! So we took some time to hit the streets, file through social media contacts and go belly up to the bars to ask women what they really do to make themselves feel more beautiful before going out. And the answers reaffirm our belief: Women are the most amazing, adaptable, sexy creatures on this damn earth.

Oddly, the list began as a funny "pluck my ear hair" rundown, but surprisingly morphed when we began actually talking to women about real life. All sorts of beauties. Real kick ass ladies who are changing the way beauty regimens work. Changing the way we look and feel about ourselves, and although some of these items focus mainly on the physical aspect of beauty, all the women we feature dig just a little deeper to embrace females, and themselves, just as they are.

“Sometimes I glue on fake eyelashes to feel pretty while I drink wine and watch Disney movies.” - Jamie G.

We’ve all been in this deep, dark place. A place where only wine and fairytales can cure what ails us. Maybe it’s not Disney. Maybe it’s “Masters of Sex” or “Scandal” — but no matter what you turn to, you have a vice. This process isn't easy, folks. This is a deep inner reckoning that women must go through in order to remind us that we are capable of the fairytale — our own fucking fairytale — even if our eyelashes are falling off and we’re drop down drunk.

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“I have one specific mirror in my house that I look into after I get ready to go out. Because this specific mirror? This specific mirror makes me look thinner and more pretty than all the other mirrors in my house.” - Anna C.

Women have favorite mirrors. Fine. It’s out there. Before we go to the office, out with friends, or to an event, it’s absolutely necessary to check our “real” mirror and our "favorite" mirror. The favorite mirror depends on the type of lady you are; some like a small, well-lit facial mirror and some of us prefer a crazy mirror that places all of our curves in all the right places. There isn’t anything wrong with feeling yourself before walking out that damn door to face the judgmental world.

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“Sometimes I look in the mirror 15 minutes before I have to leave for happy hour and see one rogue nose hair, so I decide to pluck that nose hair, but then I get carried away and end up plucking all my nose hairs and then I have to depuff my eyes using eye cream because the plucking has caused my eyes to water and get puffy.” - Yvonne C.

Us ladies do have nose hair. We have it and sometimes it goes rogue and sometimes we have to pluck or use one of those weird nose shaver things. The serious bitches pluck, because as anyone who’s every done it knows, it hurts so bad you can barely stand it. And, more importantly, as women know, we can’t just roll out of the house with puffy ass eyes or we get bombarded with the “Are you sick? Or “Oh no! What’s wrong?!!?” questions for the rest of the fucking night. So that’s awesome.

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“I ask my dog to dance with me before I go out to alleviate my anxiety. It’s not really a beauty regimen, but the dancing helps my resting bitch face.” - Shana K.

Women are acutely aware of our resting faces and sometimes we don’t care, but when you suffer from anxiety or you’re introverted or you just hate going the fuck out, you often need something that loosens up your body. And dancing is one of the most relaxing, happiness inducing practices you can participate in. We don’t know many women who don’t shake their moneymakers to prep their hearts and souls to venture out onto the town. And if you don’t? Start. It’s. Life. Changing.

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“I love sex and sometimes I bring home a lady or two, so before I go out I clean up all my beauty goo. I don’t want the girl I bring home to see it and judge. Or steal it. That’s a true beauty regimen, right? Yeah, I think it is.” - Laura G.

Sex is empowering, but it’s also important to prep just a bit if you think there’s a possibility of bringing someone home. Even if it’s a stranger you don’t want your dirty Q-tips and douches lying all over the damn floor. More importantly — and trust us we know a lot about this — if you have an active, healthy sex life and aren’t really down for a relationship, you want to keep the interaction clear and simple. We aren’t trying to share our lives with you; we’re just trying to have sex. And sex is our favorite beauty regimen. 

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“I literally bend over and stare at my ass for hours at a time. I want to see the best angles of my ass. It’s all in the knee bend for me, so I memorize the best resting ass position, doggie style and what it looks like when I dance. I’m naked for hours. It’s honestly the best thing I do for my body image. My ass is on point!” - Crystal M.

Ass checking is one of the main components of a healthy beauty regimen. More importantly, embracing your body naked is essential to rocking the hell out of whatever event you’re attending. Hell, it helps if you’re just rolling to the grocery store. Women are often insecure about how they look in public, but perhaps if we spent more time naked and bent over, we wouldn’t give two fucks about what people thought. So take off your clothes, ladies. It’s time.

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“Before a big event I put on IcyHot and wrap my body in plastic wrap. I think I learned it from a movie or something? It helps my skin tighten up, but I can’t use the scented kind because then I just end up smelling like my grandma.” - Teresa B.

We’ve tried it and it burns ... but absolutely works. Here’s the trick with this beauty regimen, you need a partner. Seriously. You’ll start to panic and then you won’t be able to get the wrap off and then you’ll freak out and start cutting and then? Then you’ll scar from the aggressive scissor cuts. Plus you need someone to wrap you wicked tight after the IcyHot or hemorrhoid cream is applied. There are many tutorials online, but if you’re not hardcore, don’t attempt it. It can and probably will go terribly wrong. Rash wrong.

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“I get high. The calm reminds me to take everything in. Stop rushing. Calm the fuck down, you know? It helps my soul and there’s nothing more beautiful to do for yourself than take care of your soul.” - Lizzie U.

Pot has a way of relaxing the fuck out of you, and we’re all about any beauty regimen that helps a person relax in a safe way. If you need to drink a bottle of vodka before going out because you get nervous or because you just feel like it “makes you fun”? Maybe it’s time (as long as you’re legal and fucking responsible) that you try smoking just a little pot before heading out onto the town. THC has a special, special way of making us feel sexy and beautiful. And don’t get us started on what pot can do for your sex life … Puff. Puff. Pass.

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“I pluck, shave and wax everything. I know it’s the anti-hair movement, but being soft makes me feel sexy. If hair makes a lady feel sexy than more power to her! We all have our thing, you know?” - Sharmaine C.

We’re all about doing whatever the hell makes you feel good about yourself, ladies. Some of us like ourselves silky smooth and others prefer a tad more hair. Whatever it is, just make sure that you’re taking care of yourselves so you feel powerful. It doesn’t matter what the hell your pube hair preference is. And may we just remind everyone that just because someone has a preference, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be an asshole and tell them shaving makes them a pedophile lover. Let’s stop with the name-calling and embrace our shit, shall we? Thaaannnnk you.

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“I put on the sexiest lingerie I can find. I’m not going out to fuck anyone; I just love the way I look in it. The feeling of lace on my vagina is like heaven.” - Stephanie M.

It doesn’t matter if it’s your favorite pair of boy shorts or your favorite Agent Provocateur bustier — it’s all about feeling sexy under your clothes. Because it’s fucking important to have a secret sometimes. A little something, something that we’re hiding just under the surface. A beauty regimen is all about embracing whomever you are and whatever your body looks like. This isn’t about fucking someone. It’s about creating a mental physical space that women can be themselves.

And let’s face it, ladies …you’re all fucking beautiful. Seriously.